Today the sky can't make up its mind, it's blue, it's gray.
To the west the sun seems to prevail, to the north it's black as pitch, it's raining.
The wind shifts the clouds, the planes take off and, as always, disappear into them while the noise of the engines remains, gradually fading.
I have a louder noise inside. It overpowers everything, it never ceases and the thing that saddens me most is that no one else hears it.
The others see me as the one who is unscathed by anything, the granite statue with imperturbable eyes, the tireless engine that pulls.
I've been this way for as long as I can remember, never wanting to let anyone in on my little frailties, always afraid someone would disintegrate me, just by touching me.
I was right. I have been blown to pieces many times through neglect, once just for fun and that was the biggest destruction.
I should have learned a lot sooner how to build walls and trenches, the ones I once had were made of papier-mâché, collapsing at the first glance, leaving me exposed.
Someone like me would fall easy prey to shark men, I didn't save myself even once.
If I look back, I see so many people, of many I remember everything, of some I have vague memories, of some I remember nothing, deliberately.
They were the pieces of this puzzle of mine, with an abstract and sometimes delirious design, not yet finished, with a meaning and a purpose that I don't know and will never know.
One thing I have regretted.
Of not having been more selfish in some situations, I should have thought of my own well-being before any other, without immolating myself for a non-existent love in which only I believed. I got the most lacerating and destructive wounds and I, who am slow in the healing process, never fully recovered.
I realized too late that for someone like me there are no golden doors, I realized too late that for me there was no middle and that I had struggled to find one, wasting a lot of life.
I realized too late that I could still be happy by drawing love from something else.
I know it now. And I'm not going to waste any more of it.
The sky is still a blur, it's blue, it's gray....
The wind moves the clouds.
The airplanes take off....
My old self is on one of them.
Goodbye my friend.
[2018©Yelena b.]
All rights reserved to me
Sounds a lot like my life. Hugs, amica!