The presence of Guilt

I've been wanting to write this article for so long but I don't have enough courage to put all the right words. This time, I will try if I can express my feelings well.

For almost a year, 10 months to be exact. I've been away from the shelter of my parents. At first, it is very overwhelming because I get to decide on my own. I no longer ask permission from them whenever I go somewhere. And most importanly, I can now sleep longer than when I am at my parents home. There are also times that no one will come at me, scolded me for being awake past midnight. With this routine in the first or two months is very peaceful. I even dare to say that I finally feels the freedom. I was free eventhough I was not a prisoner. Very silly of me right?

Actually, during the times when I was still living together with them. I can just really roam around the city or in the province if I like to but with moderation since they also warn me about negative things. They always say about being careful in the travel and always focus and observe the sorroundings. That is their way in protecting me or us with my sister.

Going back at present time, with all the emotions that are coming to me. Slowly, the presence of guilt is now building in me. I felt guilty now that I am away from them for so long knowing that everytime I dined out, they come into my mind that about them? Do they finish already their breakfast or lunch or dinner? And whenever I saw, old man or old lady in the street that looks very pitiful. I immediately think about my parents. I know they are also getting old, and I am not with them. I did not see them everyday. I can not even ask how was their day? I miss them. I miss the life I had with them. This makes me cry. I always pray to give them healthy and long life so they can witness my success in life and they can attend my wedding soon and they can carry my child in their arms. I really imagine this scenario, how they look and how they smile holding my baby.

I know you will ask that I can comeback to them right now if I am really was eaten by guilt. But I am now also starting with my family and I don't want to lose this chance of having my own. Do you feel me? I am torn between all the love I received.

I also want them to come and live with us but their life is at their home. Their livelihood is there and that is miles away from my residence. And now, what I do is visit them every now and then. Eat together and talk just like the usual. I also video called them for updates.

It's hard living away from them. It's hard to creat your own family while leaving the family who help you grow. Life won't give you easy options right?

***Thank you for being with me as I finished this article. I hope I get to connect with you***