Horror of The Past

I am just a nobody. A nobody that has friends and family support. A nobody that feels alone in a crowd. A nobody with mixed emotions, sometimes happy but all the time ? I don't know.

For a long time that a nobody is very used up on her lifestyle of solitude. I was in a place that is not very familiar with me. A place that I never know that could change my career and life. This opportunity helps me bring my family a food to eat and be happy. Yes, I am happy because I consider myself provider. This feeling is very overwhelming. But then, one co-worker stole my glance or was it I have a crush on him from the start ?

Every now and then, I find myself stealing a glance to his work station. Why ? Maybe because my eyes would not be at ease if I didn't see him. This situation last for many months. We are workmates but never be friends. Yes, that's possible. Until our company party arrives and the foolish of me grabs this moment just to have a simple talk with him. A simple talk that leads into a serious talk, about his life and my life and other nonsense topic. I am the happiest. A nobody somehow finds happiness in a moment. But again, as I know him little by little I discovered that he has a girlfriend. So I stop. I stop fancy him. I push myself to never entertain my weak emotions about him. I remained calm as if I was not hurt during our conversation. Then I left.

After two or three months, guess what ? We are official. But we choose or was it I or was it him that we have to hide it to all. For the time being, it felt so right that they never know anything about us that we keep our privacy together. Until such, I feel so insecure of his past. It is really haunting me, that what if I have my karma of stealing someone else's boyfriend ? But, did I really steal him ? I believe not. All questions starting to rise, do he really like me ? was I a rebound ? Why did he choose me when I am just a nobody? Compare to her past, I am way too ugly and too poor.

After 2 years and counting in the relationship, I am still asking myself why ?