Anxiety: one

December 5th 21:09

It's been tough lately. I feel like I'm tired. I'm tired of probably staying home--but, it's the safest thing to do, right?

I usually am an outgoing child. I used to. I was trained or maybe my subconcious mind processed things differently, well, I was always told not to speak up when something's wrong. It's like, uhm, you are being supressed from the "freedom" you should have, the freedom to speak up, the freedom to say what you at least need to say, the freedom to explain yourself when people thinks otherwise of you... I was always told to shut up.

My mum and my dad, yes, they are still living the traditional life (well, in fact there's nothing wrong with that since it's what they're accustomed to), keeping values, keeping heirarchy in the family. I was used to that as a kid, but then, lately, it's been like hell. And this lock down's really locking me in!

2 years ago, I had my anxiety and depression re-surfaced because of some traumatic experience I had. Like, I almost lost myself. Luckily, I had some friends who at least helped me out of that fkd up sitch. So yea, now, while, still on this effn lock down, corona virus stuff, everything seems to be boiling. 🥺 Anxiety attacks everywhere and I'm not used to talking it out anymore. I've lost clues and contacts, I'm not used to speaking up anymore. It's like, I don't even know how I'll tell my friends about how I am right now, cause we dont know how people would think anymore.

Yesterday, december 4th, 2am, I was still awake, I couldn't sleep. I don't know exactly what's bothering me, but my heart's been beating fast that it hurts (literally) and my mind's just all over the place. I can't stop thinking of all the nothingness, the emptiness I feel at that very moment. Until I broke down. I had no one to talk to. I had nobody.

You might be thinking "I thought she doesn't know how to speak up that she's not comfortable with sitch like this but here she is, writing this article" well, yes. I don't know how to speak up about how I'm feeling, how depression's been breaking me for quite sometime now, and how supressed I feel because of this jail cell I have built in my subconcious mind believing that anything I say or feel isn't important at all. I am writing this article because I want to at least lessen the burden I'm feeling, be it a confusing article. But this is reality.

To any of you who's currently feeling the same. Anxiety attacks and depression or alike, please,do please do no hesitate to share what you're feeling. Maybe to a stranger you feel comfortable with, or a family member who you're close with. YOU NEED TO LET IT OUT. I do not think people will read this and I dont care about it. I JUST WANT YOU-YOU THE PERSON READING THIS AND IS CURRENTLY GOING THRU THE SAME, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I AM HERE, WE ARE HERE. You can reach out to me. I am willing to listen to your story. Just don't and never attempt anything that would ruin or destroy your life and your future.