2am thoughts

It's been raining pretty damn hard today (02:43am) like, it's already been more than an hour... It's cold, just can't sleep. It's like, I feel so bothered, I feel so numb.

I came to realize how my life have been for the past few months (with this stupid pandemic).

I, actually am a depressed shite. I used to be emotionally unstable as they say. I'm good at hiding my real emotions and just suddenly burst into chaos--i guess this is why people around me just don't get me.

I have a love/hate affection with the rain, tbh. I relaxes me (at some point) but it makes me feel melancholic at the same time. There are times where I'd just sit at the corner, staring blankly and just drifting away from my reality and going some place else which only my mind know--it's the saddest place I know.

When I was a kid, I used to be alone, I envy my classmates for doing such a great job making friends and I'm just there, almost irrelevant to this world, just sighing cause I was a shy-creep-ass kid. I tried talking to people, but I always get tongue-tide and I just...run away, cause of such embarrassment. Haha stupid shite. Anyway, that was me when I was a kid. As I grew, I learned how to at least communicate with other kids. I had a few friends but I was happy just by having them.

I then grew older... I messed up a lot. I fkd things up just because I think I became so selfish that I only thought of what would make me happy. I chose other people instead of sticking with my family, I chose to go out just because they told me it'll be more fun. I chose the wrong guy over my family just to satisfy my craving of "temporary happiness"-it was all fun, for the moment, at least. Until it all became pitch black. I blacked out. They shut me off. Threw me away just because they see no use of me anymore. Lost my job because I had "too much fun" it was the most fkd up moment in my life. Then, the old depressed-shite-self came back. It all came crashing on me that I could not even escape it. And bang! I was suddenly crying an ocean of tears, the me that used to live in the corners of my miserable life... It was chilling, I felt so alone, I just want to be gone. I want to... I want to leave... Some place else... A place where I won't feel any of this anymore... i broke down, I drowned, until I was empty...

One day, this empty chamber I lived in finally found a little light of hope in the smile of an angel (her kid). It was that moment where I realized my life wasn't done yet. I realized that I had to live and be able to watch her grow. I had this ray of light where everything seemed to be so light, the emptiness I've felt for the longest time of my life, seemed to be gone now... It was her who filled me up with such unconditional happiness and genuine love- she is my child.

I then realized, becoming a mother was indeed a gift and having such an amazingly adorable child was a blessing. I learned to love myself again, i learned to take care of myself... As she helped me see the good in the bitter days of my past, that it was a learning I must take for me to be the best version of me. To find passion in what I do best, again. To find the lost pieces of me. It was her,my missing piece, it was her, who mend me to become whole again.

You'll learn to value the things you have when you lost so much in the process.

Much love, worm ❣️