My Worst Mistake

When the gun's barrel touched my tongue, it was stingingly cold. The flavor of the gun grease was little acidic. I'd come to the end of my options. With every wave that came, I was sanded down to nothing but dust by the relentless force of my past. As the tears flowed down my cheeks, I could hear my teeth clattering against the rifle.

I relived my earliest recollections as I recalled them. My childhood memories of summers spent with my grandparents are still fresh in my mind. I remember being startled awake in the middle of the night by the sound of my grandfather yanking back the covers of his bed. I remembered how he ruined my passion for the outdoors by forcing me to work in the fields alongside him. I could still taste the dread and embarrassment. I recall the disarray of not knowing how to explain what was going on to anyone.

One person I called a friend utilized my hatred and rage to make me into "muscle" for his "organization" after I left high school. I thought back to the heinous things I'd done in the name of friendship and commitment. People who didn't deserve what happened to them still scream and plead in my head, reverberating through my mind.

I distinctly recall stumbling into the lone glimmer of hope in a sea of despair. She had it all: good looks, wit, and intelligence. She had faith in me and believed that I was a decent human being. She even got me thinking that I was a decent person, that I mattered. She saved my life by rescuing me from a path of self-destruction. She was my life and my soul.

I recalled the time I arrived home from work early. I distinctly recall experiencing knots in my stomach and being baffled as to why I had them. Her bare body was entwined with another man's on my living room couch as I opened the door. I remembered the fury, the hatred, the disappointment that I felt at the time. of betrayal. My former self began to resurface in my thoughts. ideas of what I could or should have done with the people around me. Then I remembered the sadness I had felt. No matter how badly she had damaged me, I didn't want her to see me in the light of my old life. It was time to go.

My life spiraled out of control after that incident. My truck was parked in the middle of nowhere with a gun pointed at my head. All the horrible and evil things I had done and that had happened to me became unbearable. I'd had a long day and needed a rest. I was worn out. After a long day of work, I was exhausted. Because the darkness was so heavy, I was unable to see any other way out of this situation.

The trigger was pulled as I held my breath.

Time ceased to exist.

After hearing of people seeing their entire lives in front of them, I couldn't say for sure that I believed it myself. As though on a movie screen, my life was shown to me in that instant. I was prepared to experience the horrors of my life, but what I saw instead were the highlights of a happy period in my life. I had a glimpse of our vacation to Florida. Having fun at the ocean with the whole family. My dad and I were playing darts, when I spotted it.

I was there for the birth of my niece and the first time I held her in my arms. My perspective shifted as I saw how many more happy memories there were than sad ones. All the resentment, remorse, and guilt I was carrying around made it difficult for me to see what was there in front of me.

After that, the screen went dark. Mom and Dad were both in tears as they tended to my grave. As a result of the destruction I had caused, they had become estranged, calloused, and cold toward one another, as well as their loved ones. The mere thought of the suffering crushed my heart.

I was torturing them, the two individuals who had always been there for me, no matter what happened..

I don't know how I could have done that to them. I was unable to do so. I would not. That would have been wrong. Because I didn't want them to go through that. I didn't want to go to sleep thinking about dying!

Click

"Oh, Jesus," I heard myself mutter. I let go of the revolver and let it fall into the floorboard's darkness. My brain was still whirling, trying to make sense of what had just transpired. I couldn't.

He didn't know what to do. Is it possible that I'm still here? I was forced to exit the vehicle. I fought with the seatbelt and clawed at the door to get the handle as I desperately searched for it. I was unable to escape. I had to get out of this situation. I couldn't stay in this vehicle any longer.

Finally, the door slammed open, releasing the seat belt's grip. On to the cold November ground I tumbled after slipping from my seat. The past had been eating away at me and I was on my hands and knees, puking like a maniac. Exhausted and sobbing, I sank to the ground.

The rifle had misfired for a long time before I realized what had happened. Until that point, the gun had never fired a single time I'd fired tens of thousands of rounds and never had a misfire in that time.

My life could have ended in an instant with the flick of a finger, but I don't have the conceit to claim to know why I was spared that night. But I do know that with that twitch, my life changed forever.

In the absence of those events, I would not be the person I am today. I've been there, and I know what it's like to be in a place where the only way out is to take your own life.

If you simply take a few deep breaths and allow your eyes adjust to the darkness, I promise you'll see the incredible opportunities that lie ahead.