Life Sucks. (A Ghost's Diary)

Genre: Fiction, Drama

Life Sucks

(A Ghost’s Diary)

Genre: Fiction, Drama

           

            I am writing this diary to let you all know what I felt before I died. I hope you all will forgive me for the things that I’ve done. Forgive me for giving up on life.

 

            Life really sucks. Problems are always lingering around me. I really can’t tell why do these problems need to be part of my life, I mean, I am in my youth, but why is it that the world seems to revolve against me? I sometimes ask, why do I have to be alive after all?

 

            There’s not a single day that I don’t face a problem, but of course, I always smile in front of my friends. I don’t even say a single word to my family about how I really feel. I just want them all to be happy, I want to make them happy because that’s the only way for me to somehow forget the problems I have. Every time I see them laugh, it feels like a load in my chest is lifting up.

 

            My parents are telling me to work, but I insisted that I don’t want to. I feel so lazy to work for myself, all I want is to face gadgets and sleep all day because I literally don’t feel like living. I feel so comforted in my home, and in my bed. There is no place like home, indeed.

 

            I always get scolded. If I made a single mistake, then all my other efforts were forgotten, sometimes, I even feel like I don’t belong to this family at all.

 

            Even though I really don’t feel like working at a company, or to have an employer, I don’t have a choice but to work. I don’t feel comfortable at my home anymore, for me, I can’t consider my house as a home. Because home is where your heart belongs, it is where you’re comfortable with.

 

            I decided to go to a mall to apply for a job. I personally gave all the requirements needed for the job, they interviewed me, and luckily, I passed the initial interview.

 

            “What position are you applying for?” That is what the interviewer asked in my initial interview.

 

            “Any positions available, Ma’am” I replied.

 

            She looked at me, nodded, and looked back at my files on her desk. She did that at least four times. And when she decided where to put me, she looked back at me and said;

 

            “We have an available slot, in the warehouse. Will you accept it?”

 

            “I will!” That is all I answered.

            “Okay, just wait outside”

 

            I nodded and said my thank you to her. I went outside and told my fellow applicant that he is being called. When my fellow applicant’s done with his interview, he told us that we are told to come back in the afternoon for the final interview. We passed! I felt so happy since I thought that maybe I can find my comfort, my home in this place.

 

            Times passed, we came back as instructed we waited outside the interviewing room. I felt so impatient as it is taking so long already. Finally, the interviewer called me for the final interview.

 

            I feel so nervous since this is my first time applying for a job. The interviewer sat down and told me to sit as well.

 

            “Why do we need to hire you?” She suddenly asked, that made my heart race.

 

            I was in silence for a couple of seconds. I am thinking about what to answer but I can’t say the right words. The interviewer just looked at me, patiently waiting for my answer. Luckily, I found confidence inside and answered proudly;

 

            “Because I am worth it! I mean, I am very flexible; I can follow rules without any second thought. And if, and only if you will hire me, I will everything I can to help this company prosper. I will show you what I am capable of.”

 

            The interviewer looked at me, amazed, and smiled.

 

            “I like your confidence and the way you delivered your answer,” She said. I was so happy inside. “Tell me more about yourself.” She then asked.

 

            I went silent again. I don’t know what to answer. Do I have to tell her what I am going through? Will it gain me her sympathy? I think I will only say what she wants to hear since I am talking to an employer here, and not my friend. None of my friends know what I am going through in the first place.

 

            “I am Kianne Greymond, 18 years of age. I live in Tigbauan, Iloilo City, Philippines. I have a brother working at a call center company….”

 

            I told her every detail there is to say about my family background. Her smiling face vanished and it was replaced with an amused expression. She’s as if scanning my face and her face was suddenly field with sympathy.

 

            “Why are you applying for a job like this when your dad is earning big amount of money. I mean a privileged son like you would want to stay at home and become like a prince.” She curiously asked.

 

            “I want to work because I want to be free from home.”

 

            The tears in my eyes are about to fall. I did my best to smile. The interviewer noticed my sadness but she refused to let her emotion show since this is an interview for a job. She smiled at me and said;

 

            “You’re amazing! In all the interviews that I had, I never encountered someone like you. You’re too bold, but that doesn’t give you any disadvantages. You are smart, the way you handle your emotion is great. For a first-timer, you got my praise! Anyways, here’s the other requirement.”

 

            I took the paper from her and smiled. I thank her for listening to me, although she should since she is interviewing me. I’ve never felt so happy; another weight in my chest was lifted up.

 

            After a week, I passed all my requirements, and they gave something to fill up, and I signed the contract.

 

            A day after, I started my first day at my job. The interviewer guided me to the warehouse. The moment I stepped inside, I already felt comfortable. This place is telling me to be myself. It may look messy, but this place makes me happy.

 

            I met with my supervisor who gave me all the instructions and the work I will be doing. I plastered all he said in my mind and started working. It is a long day. I went home. Kissed my mom in her cheeks and went to my room. I fell asleep without realizing it.

 

            After a month, I finally have a friend in my workplace. We always tell jokes to each other and laugh as if there is no tomorrow. But there are times that I am disappearing from the group to be alone.  I always have deep thoughts. One of my friends in the workplace is sharing his problems with me, and then I thought, I am not alone, after all.

 

            One day, the two of us talked. That was the time that both of us got serious. We both fell in silence, and he suddenly asked that made me think;

 

            “Hey, have ever felt bored with your life?”

 

I forced a laugh and looked at him in a serious face. I leaned on the wall, looked at the ceiling, and answered his question.

 

“If only I can get away from life, I would have done so. If there’s a place where reality doesn’t exist, I would’ve gone there already.”

 

He also forced a smile, but you can see the loneliness in his face. We looked at each other as if we understood what both of us went through. Someone told us that we looked like we are carrying the world in our shoulders.

 

After my job, it’s already evening, I went home. When I arrived, there is not a single person in the house. I once again felt the same feeling I always feel. I went up to my room. Just when I was about to lie in bed, I received a text message from my best friend.

 

“Bro, I really can’t take this anymore. I just want to die!”

 

After reading his message, I called him. But when he did not answer, I rushed to his house. I saw him at a table, he is thinking deep, for sure. He sure has a huge problem since he drank empty the case of beer. And he still planned to drink another three cases.

 

“Hey! Do you seriously want to die? Are you drinking yourself to death? You’ve already drunk too much, bro!” I angrily told him.

 

“Do you think it is easy for me?” He answered. “I always get cheated on, all those girls always leave me. If it is always like this, why don’t I just die?” He added, crying.

 

“Are you freaking serious? Just because of a girl?! Have you already forgotten our promise? We will not leave each other!” He is like a brother to me. He understands me more than my blood-related brother. We have been friends for four years.

 

“Do you think I will send you a message if I already have forgotten that promise?” He answered.

 

“Seriously, you don’t really want to die, do you? Tss! There is a lot of woman around the world. From now on, don’t choose a girl, choose a woman. A woman knows how to value a man. And another thing, life is a race, you should ride on it, but you should be the one to take control."

 

He stopped drinking and I helped him get in his room. I went home and lied in bed. Before I sleep, I called the woman I am courting, she’s Mica.

 

“Hey, good evening. How are you? I hope you’re always good, and I want to let you know that I truly love you, although we’re not officially dating yet. I will not give up on you, nor leave you. That’s a promise.” I don’t even know why I am saying these things to her now.

 

“Your life full of drama, don’t you agree? You were just driven by sleepiness. Good night.” She answered. I felt so unwanted.

 

“Uhh.” That is all I answered.

 

“Hey, wait..”

 

I turned off the phone; I just don’t want to hear what she will be saying. I also got this feeling that I can’t fall asleep. I just feel that I won’t wake up if I sleep. What I did is I took a notebook, and wrote:

 

‘To all who will read this. I just want to let you all know that life is just a game. The problems that you all are facing are just another phase of the game. Don’t give up, don’t be afraid. Fight all the obstacles that you face, since you are the only person who can help yourself.

 

Don’t let the game of life be the one to control you, always remember that you have a dream that you need to achieve that dream. You have a family that loves you, no matter what hurtful words they say, believe me, they don’t want you to get hurt.

 

You should not escape from life since that would be a big sin. Don’t you ever commit suicide or end your own life. Remember that ending your own life just to escape reality is big cowardice; you want to escape from your problem because you are afraid.

 

If you feel like you can’t beat the problem that you have, look for some distraction, look up at the heavens, kneel and pray. He’s always there for you.

 

If you feel like no one loves you, God is there. He loves you more than anyone else. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

 

There no such thing as permanent in this world. Live your life to the foulest, that you may not get bored. And live your life to the fullest; always consider that today is your last. Become an example for the next generation.

 

 To all who will be reading this; don’t give up!’

 

After writing those words, I went up to the rooftop. I felt the gentle breeze touching my skin. It is indeed great to be alive. I hope it’s always like this, this is peace. My tears fell down while thinking about my friends, my family, all of my loved ones.

 

I wrote a diary that even I cannot comprehend. I want to give up; I don’t want to fight anymore. I am a coward, I am tired. All I can think now is to end this all, this is the only way to escape.

 

Our house is three storeys tall, about 35 feet. I go near to the cliffside of the roof. I can see the entire house, it is indeed beautiful. No wonder why some of my friends are telling me that I have the best life of us all. Just when I was about to jump, I heard Mica and JR my best who drank a case of beer who’s being dramatic just earlier.

 

I turned around and smiled at them. They smiled back. I feel so happy for them; I realized that they look good with each other. My tears fall that made them wonder. I lied down in the air; my back is facing the cliff of the rooftop.

 

“Nooooo!” I can hear them both shout.

 

I fell down to the ground in my head. I even heard a crack the moment my head touched the ground. I feel so dizzy, but I am not dead yet. I saw them running to me, their breath is racing. Maybe they ran, rushing to where I am.

 

After a few minutes, I am still alive, but my eyes are about to shut. I see both darkness and light. Mica and JR both cried. There is regret in their eyes, I want to say sorry, but I think there is no use to be saying that now.

 

“Bro! What happened to the “we will not leave each other’s side”? You’re al liar! You are the one who plans to leave me!” JR said while crying. Mica also said what she wants to say.

 

“You told me that you love me, you told me that you will not give up on me, and you also said that you will never leave me. What happened to those words? Are those words just some fabrication? I love you, Kian. Please don’t die on me, huh? You told me that you won’t leave me, please, don’t leave..” She said while crying.

 

I just smiled while my tears are falling. They were on my both side. I held both of their hands and forced a word.

 

“Y-you know what, /coughed blood/, I just noticed that you two are a good match. /coughed blood/. Bro, p-please take care of here for me, and M-Mica, I-I want you to love JR for me. /coughed blood/. Hearing that you also love me is enough to send me off. I-I want you to promise me, b-both of you.” I coughed blood again.

 

“P-please don’t say that. Live for me, Kian, please.” Mica said, crying.

 

“T-this is it for me…. Promise me, Mica.”

 

She just nodded while crying and covering her mouth. She can’t utter a single word anymore. JR is also crying, a fluid from his noise is even falling. Such a disgusting view just before dying.

 

“I-I promise bro. I will love her for you, I will not hurt her. But at least try to fight, don’t die on us, please.” Said JR.

 

“T-thank you. T-that’s all I want to hear.” I answered while coughing blood.

 

I forced a smile, I forced to breathe, but I am already out of breath. It’s so tight in my chest; it feels like something is pressing my chest so hard. I can feel the blood flowing in the crack in my head, I am really feeling dizzy. I can hear the serene of an ambulance, but I can’t make it anymore. The place is starting to get dark, it’s so dark in here…….