What Am I Living For?

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Unlearning, Free Markets, Individual Self-Ownership. Voluntary Japan, Voluntary World. Gra... [more]

2 years ago

Thought I'd start off writing tonight with a small topic. Something concise and easy. Contained and objective.

MEANING OF LIFE.

Sure, why not? Maybe I'll have some sort of epiphanous, luminous, blindingly brilliant, mind-blowing revelation along the way. Or maybe not. Most likely not, I imagine. But who knows.

Well. My heart is beating. Sometimes it freaks me out a bit if I think about that.

I'm breathing. I bleed. I really don't want to bleed too much. But people do. It happens all the time. And often quite unexpectedly. Accidents. Violence. As much as I want to believe I am special and still have lots of time here. No. You just never know.

Each day a present.

Sometimes late at night, when I wake up to pee, everything seems strange. Like this life, and not my actual dreams, is the dream.

HOLY TEEN-COMING-OF-AGE-MOVIE THIS IS SOUNDING CLICHÉD TO SHIT ALREADY.

The actual dreams are dreams, too, of course.

But I mean sometimes I get the feeling there is something monumentally important and mind-blowing I've forgotten. But not forgotten so much so that I can't remember ephemeral hints of its power — it's impression in my soul, or on my spirit, or being or whatever one might wish to name it.

Like once I die I'll immediately be struck by the overwhelming realization: "Oooohhhh YEAAAAAH. I came from this place! This is all there ever was.

LIFE was the dream. The training ground. The simulation so real it actually was real.

Then again it could all go black. But even to know "black" as a concept requires consciousness. Having never known an end, or "nothing," how the hell could anyone conceive of it?

Teach the blind man about the color green. Well. It's fresh. And lively. Unafraid and powerful. Singular. Like the sound of a bell. So there's a conception there. But this one: knowing NO THING and also not even the concept of "nothing" itself. What would that be like? It's inconceivable.

The "God has a plan for your life" people:

I was raised in a religious home. We went to church. I was taught the Bible was a literal account of things that happened thousands of years ago. It was also GROUND, POUNDED, and BURNED INTO MY SYNAPSES THAT: GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU.

The implications of this were interesting. And terrifying. I saw bad and terrible things happening to good people all around me. Was that, God's plan? American Christians tend to have this belief that they are special. God is in control of everything, and created everything. But bad and sad and horrible and violent things are the devil's game. The devil which god created.

Kids getting blasted to bits in Afghanistan are to be ignored. God has a plan for your life and there's a reason the lipstick you ordered on Amazon came in the wrong color. Let's pray about it.

WHAT I LOVE.

I have never felt love like that I have for my son.

I love my wife dearly.

I'd say I love a couple friends and my family.

But the way I love I guess seems cold to many on the outside. It's not so emotional. But I have this deep, profound feeling for almost everybody even if in one-on-one situations I don't always know how to show it.

I guess I am scared. Scared of others. Scared of attachment. But keeping this arm's distance has also served to help me follow my own instincts. I'm not sure where the balance is. Maybe I am totally fucked up. If so, that's how it is and I will just need to discover that for myself and deal with it from there. But I am certain without a doubt that to just let anyone into your space and world is a mistake.

There are a lot of well-meaning psychopaths in this world. And ignorant emotionalists and brainwashed people who will destroy you. Intentionally or otherwise. Skip the hippy bullshit about being open to everyone and giving endlessly.