I feel grateful to have been blessed with the tenacity to seek my own path. I look at some now, and due to a lifetime of pleasing others, they are locked into a position where to even move independently of others is inconceivable to them, and there is now no collected network of contacts and opportunities which support their authentic selves to fall back on. They’ve built up a legacy of lies for the false self. In this sense, being true to yourself from the start even in the smallest thing, yields magnificent returns down the line, like the parable of the mustard seed.
Contrary to what I suspect some I’ve known in life may think of me, I don’t really like conflict with others at all. It fucking sucks.
Early on I was the people-pleasing-est people pleaser your ass ever met. After I lost my initial kid spunk, original spirit and freewheeling happiness very early on, that is. As an adolescent and teenager I was a guilt-ridden, religified, people-fearing cardboard cutout of myself.
Finding that kid again and allowing him to come back is and has been the most important and rewarding thing ever. Hands fucking down.
This is the meaning of being “born again” among other big — and of course, ineffable — revelations, as far as I can tell.
But back to the point. I’ve been told here by many Japanese that I seem Japanese. The reason, I suspect, is I do not want to rock the boat and disturb the “wa,” and also that I tend to be conciliatory, and have a respect for others as humans, which I am happy about. The “wa” can never exist, though, in a toxic situation, no matter how some may interpret it as the mere glossing over of problems. This is not true harmony. As such, sometimes this so-called “wa” must be busted wide open.
I love people getting along and people’s approval so much sometimes I’m almost embarrassed of it. I do love friendly, extremely vivacious debate. And I do LOVE fiery formal debate/destroying weak arguments with logic. But gut-wrenching dissent and uncomfortable, painful emotional confrontation?
The only reason I’ve entered into the latter two over and over and over in my life is because they are often absolutely necessary for moving forward and respecting oneself.
Significant heartache, loneliness, friendless-ness.
Self-respect, perspective, and character.
Plus some true tribe maybe showing up along the way when they see your direction and blazing light — and when there is space for these new and wonderful individuals after you dump the phonies. When they see your real, unique self, and not the watered-down, non-confrontational milksop that society wants you to be.
But even if no one showed up, it’d still be worth it.
To be your authentic “you.”
Then you’re in the company of the gods.
Actually — then you ARE a god.