Awareness is a hole in the head — letting the sunshine in

I had a dream the other night — there was a small, cleanly polished hole at the top of my forehead. It had the appearance of porcelain, like a piece of hard candy sucked down to its smooth, colorless surface. A tiny circle leading directly to my brain. Pretty, and pitch black.

I wasn't alarmed at first, because the hole was small and the bone of my skull seemed very strong. But when I pressed a finger to it, the opening gave way immediately and small fragments of skull caved in under the pressure. My index finger was buried past the first knuckle — deep in my forehead.

As I jostled the finger around I could feel chunks of bone and flesh. Searing pain shot through my body, tingling the tips of my fingers and toes. Something was wrong. There was an infection festering beneath the surface, in the darkened cavity of my skull. I was rotting from the inside out, and it had now become a very real threat.

Memento Mori

The dream was deeply disturbing, and how relieved I was to wake up. I actually touched my forehead to make sure everything was intact. Immediately after verifying there was no gaping wound in my head, I began to wonder what the dream meant.

I asked a friend of mine, out for drinks soon after, and he told me "the dream and the dreamer are the same." He went on to say in so many words that there is really nothing there. The hole was opening up and revealing that underneath, in that brain, there still was no "me" to be found. Things I identify with as me are often painful hallucinations.

Who is the fellow watching the other fellow that is me stumble through life, make mistakes, or do well? Who is this observer who also seems to live inside?

He kept repeating throughout our conversation: "memento mori," or "remember death."

Death. What so many of us don't want to see. Yet it is coming for us all. Or rather, we are all walking towards it.

To Make Whole, Be Whole

The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

-Matthew 6:22

See light, be light. See death, be death. But there's a hole in your head, that integrates and accepts both. If that eye is closed there will be darkness. If it's open, even the darkness can be full of light.

Where I perhaps differ with my friend is that I don't necessarily see the ego and the observer as being opposed to each other. Maybe he doesn't either, I'm not exactly sure. But there must be a synergy.

We are here in bodies, after all. This whole conversation about the tension between pure awareness and the little greedy guy of the flesh is only possible via our experience of being "encased" herein, in the first place.

What really began to turn me around was integrating my self-interestedness, and flowing with it in self-acceptance.

For example, some folks are hard on themselves for wanting to "show off" what they are doing, or some new feat or accomplishment. They destroy and self-sabotage their talents and opportunities because they view using them or advancing as "ego."

A tiny, silly example. I sometimes think: "I shouldn't post about my daily run on social media. Why should I need the attention of others?"

But I often found that trying to smother that little ego is impossible. Instead, on days when I don't feel like running, I'll sometimes use this so-called ego. "Hmmm. If I go running today I could head to that nice Shinto shrine on the hill, and make a cool video production for TikTok. Okay. Let's go!"

See how I turned that around? I now have achieved my non-egoic discipline of running by leveraging my "ego" to inspire me to do it. We will never be non-self-interested.

It's similar to the binge eater, the drinker, other vices. The more you fight your demons in some sense the more they own you. The reason is because these demons are caused by an unhappiness that must first be addressed. Self-acceptance, no matter what, disempowers these obstacles to a great degree. This is not licentiousness or viewing harming yourself and others as good, but simply not beating yourself up. Full, 100% self-acceptance. Observing in non-judgement. That's what brings about real change.

A not so serious example: Having a piece of pizza or two now, because you feel like it, is much, much, better than binge eating three pizzas in an hour, later.

As H.L. Mencken said:

“The Christian always swears a bloody oath that he will never do it again. The civilized man simply resolves to be a bit more careful next time.”

We're better served by flowing with our self-interest. Whether this means looking into what is making you unhappy and thus leading to destructive behaviors, to get to the root of the problem, or accepting that your are interested in something for a reason, and surrendering the futile fight against it.

Try to ignore and suppress your interests and your ego. You'll wind up doing bad things, or you'll wind up being one of those intolerable "new age" types that is overflowing with toxic feelings of superiority. So proud and judgemental. Smug about the fact that you have supposedly "killed your ego."

All actions are self-interested. Even the act of taking a bullet for a loved one. One only does this if one wants to. If one wants to see the other person live more than they care about their own life. Selfless? Yes. Self-interested? Yes. There is no real contradiction here.

There is a single, unified sight. There is a single, unified goal. No "thought," as such. Just understanding and action.

Re-solution.

Grains of Sugar: Better and Better and Better

As the sun shines in, the hole opens up. Disinfecting the millions of illusions rotting me from the inside. At least, I hope.

The formerly wandering mystic John Butler has compared the path of awakening to a trail of grains of sugar. You begin to find more and more and more, and become more attuned to sniffing them out — sensing them. God has left them for us as we make our way back to the sugar mountain that is the kingdom of heaven.

Where is that? According to almost all ancient spiritual traditions, it is within. We're already there. But we must realize this. And it is found on a path of joy, suffering, pain, and love. One can't only hide from life and find it. One can't only pray and find it. It's just living.

A monk told Joshu: “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”
Joshu asked: “Have you eaten your rice porridge?”
The monk replied: “I have eaten.”
Joshu said: “Then you had better wash your bowl.”
At that moment the monk was enlightened.

-Zen parable

Do I seek out more suffering so I can grow? Not really. I want it like I want a hole in the head.

But maybe as the light shines into this bored-out, new hole in my face, my mask, my persona, whatever is inside can air out and breathe. Maybe my whole being will disintegrate into the sun.

I don't know.

But I think I'll enter more fully into the precious mystery of now.

As wonderful and terrifying as that may be.