Forgive me for being very emotional. But you know, it's not everyday that we are like this. Right at this moment I am feeling inadequate. I have nothing to publish right now except this. Surely, things are sitting on my draft but I am too timid to publish them. Someday we'll see.
I am currently outlining my account on my 'unhappy' marriage. But men, I'd like to buff it off just so I won't be running over someone or something. It's hard as it is. I don't want to make it more complicated save my writing it out in the hope of giving wisdom to younger people. If they ever listen.
I've been through enough but then again, I suppose everybody's claiming this. Yes, we all have our unique circumstances and it's not novel anymore complaining but I just can't help it.
Just last night, I thought I'd given up. I have this feeling again of self-doubt, and the never ending internal strife about this and that.
Today, I am allowing myself just to be myself. You know why? Just because I'm lazy. And since I'm lazy, I want to be really lazy. You know what's making me feel better? That there are those who consider doing what they do in the hope of helping others. Yes, and I'm grateful there's this one sponsor who is at least investing value on what I'm writing. This isn't self pity, just the recognition of what needs to be highlighted. I am allowing myself to be just myself. Prosing from one paragraph to paragraph because that's just what I am. I don't care anymore whether the bot's noticing me or not but this is what I produce.
It is even more awkward showing all those pictures without the slightest purpose of what I'm showing. So whoever accepts me of what I am, then I'm very much appreciative of that.
I hate this competition over the attention of someone. I hate it that I have to write at least one article a day. I hate it that I have goals to fulfill. I hate everything right now. I just hate my self-hate and my indifference towards things. But amidst all these hatreds here I am writing for my sake. So I would love again everything that needs to be loved.
You know the easiest? It's giving without expecting anything in return. And I'd like to give whatever I can just to keep me sane once more.
I am in denial. But I don't know about that. Whatever I am saying I don't understand.
This is who I am. And I am not judging myself.
Those sitting in my drafts will surely come to life once I gain the courage to publish them. They are what we call 'Truths.' Hiding behind the mask that we so wanted to maintain.
And I don't know anymore. I'll just be giving what I'm given and I'll do what I need to do as well.
Meanwhile, I'll do with just anything.
So today, here, this is what I produced. Like in a famished family I'm still providing something. And this is better than nothing at all.
So for those of you who are hungry, read this article and you will feel full. Conveying to you my emotions. Decode the meaning, be confused and be understanding.
That's all I ask today.