I sit down after reading a book and emotions flood thru my soul...
Am I a person? Or a dreamer? Or just a dreaming person?
This is me. This is who I am. I am a dreamer.
Drafts have been sitting on my box for a long time now. I contemplate whether I am this or that. Should I just blog? Should I research? Should I neutralize my voice? Or should I go on as eccentric and obnoxious like I always am?
Why is it so hard to stick to a routine? Why is it painstaking to do what needs to be done?
In a few hours from now, I will be meeting with my classmates. They are rooting for me to teach them something about our lesson. Then I thought, what am I to them? Why would they depend on me? I'm just a dreamer who does this and that and there is nothing special about me.
Believe me when I say that my previous performances in quizzes and recitations are a product of my drive in understanding the lessons. Period. Everything follows especially if you show your knowledge thru the given activities by professors. As simple as that. And if it happens that you were in no condition to show it, then accept and let go. After all, no one will be genuinely happy about all those except maybe your parents and grandparents. Correct me please if I'm wrong.
I know my classmates would never understand how I managed my high scores. I am nothing compared to a genius. I just do what I can especially during deadlines. And things are done online, hello? We have the internet and many other resources right? There even is no face to face assessment so is there a reason not to have high grades? Again, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm not sure anymore how they'll react when we meet and I'm like a blank slate.
It so happens that every topic we have right now is somewhat new to me and I have to spend hours and days just to absorb a certain concept. I jump, I go berserk, I get mad, I cry, and do whatever just to get something out of my brain.
Is this how a person should live? And I slumped back into my old place and regret I've ever enrolled. I'm not into group studies. I am a loner. I prefer to search alone. I don't ask questions that much from someone. I ask thru written works, searching thru google, and I sweat it out. Little do they know how I do my thing. And they praise me as if everything goes straight to my plate without effort.
I'm actually flattered, you know? At the same time pressured and feeling dumb. I am the type who simply say yes when people ask favor and at the same time awkward with others. I don't understand myself. I say this while acting another way.
I am not sure what I will do when we meet. But I have decided to just be honest. Period.
This is the danger of being a people pleaser. You feel like you're a sinner if you displease them. You carry weight on your shoulders like you have to obey somehow.
And this leads me to get mad at myself and scold me like, "What the h***?! Just be yourself, won't you?!" (And what's wrong with appearing intelligent, right? Hahaha! You don't like that? Oh c'mon, Vincenzina!)
But then again, at the other side of the seemingly selfish thoughts, here I give you my 2 honest advices:
Change your mindset. If people are rooting for you, then why feel pressured? Isn't it just easier to simply tell them how you're doing your thing? No one will judge you EXCEPT you! So stop overthinking and be inspired that others depend on you.
Don't be in denial. The knowledge and skill or talent you have comes from Him. If you happen to be good at something, then be good at it. Perfect it, Master it, and show it to the world. Not for your glorification but to make the world a better place, if not the best place. To make anyone you touch feel the radiance you have with your. Thank Him you have something! Don't let Him rescind what He has given. But He is gracious superbly to give us not only second, or third, but million chances to do better than before.
Bonus: If you still appear obnoxious with how you carry yourself, then so be it. But don't get me wrong. Still try harder to do better than ever. There are other forces that will tame you. But don't wait for it. Just try harder to reflect and do whatever that will make you better but not lesser.
I hope you reach this point. In here, let me thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts. It means a lot. I still feel like I'm a self-centered brat but I'm trying not to. Again, thank you for reading!
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