"My Last Words"-But Not Really.

Still moving forward--

After the day you totally broke me into pieces.

How you told me that you're still in love with your past,

It hurts me.

It pained me so deeply.

That all this time we were okay.. you made me think we had a chance.

You made me think that you felt the same way.

How I wish you could be more honest with your insights--

With your feelings towards me.

It hurts so much that you made me think that we could be more,

More than just friends.

But No-- 

you made me believe in your actions.

You made me assume with your words.

You're just so loving that you made me feel so special to you,

Where in fact, you're just so precious that everyone is so special to you; everyone and not only me.

You made me think that after all those letters I sent to you.

There might be a chance for you and me.

But after all this time.. realizing how deep my feelings could be for you.

I cleared everything.. and things won't really work out the way you want them to--the way you expected them to be.

Everything fell into pieces.

Did you break me? No, I broke myself.

Though, I tried my best to consider you only as my friend; I just can't

My heart says there's more, that we could be something more than that.

But my heart was a fool, so am I.

It made me believe that our feelings could be mutual.

I can't lie if they ask me how was I.

My answer will always be No,

But with you-- why is it always yes?

Why am I so blinded for loving you?

That I disregarded all the flaws and imperfections you have.

All the possibilities of why we couldn't be together.

No, We will never be together.

Now,

How will I ever say goodbye?

How will I keep moving forward without thinking of you?

How will I meet someone and forget about you?

*******

Keeping my heart inside me,

I still can't seem to feel myself.

I still can't see myself.

After what you did.

I let you have mine,

But you didn't let me have yours.

Time may say that It's such a waste

Such a waste, yes.

Everything became a mess,

My life, my soul, and myself.

You're not the one to blame,

On this love, on this game.

Thought you'd be my endless hopes,

My endless wishes and dreams.

But stars are in disguise,

Shining but dead inside.

Like how you say that we could be a thing,

That we could be something.

Something that no one can't even explain,

An abstract.

Love is an abstract thought,

Maybe, a mess.

Like you and me,

Realizing that we can't be a shape,

Just a line, One-sided.

How cruel to say that I fell,

But you didn't.

How foolish to say that I missed you,

But you didn't.

****

I can say that I'm okay,

I can paint a smile on my face.

But if you look closely,

You'll notice that everything is fake,

Same as your promises.

Saying that you're already done,

Done with your past.

Saying that you're now open,

To love again.

You didn't tell me exactly who,

But you made me feel that it was me.

It was me, whom you treasure now.

But then I've realized,

I fell, but you didn't.

I wanted to tell you mean things,

But I've realized,

Every word I spill bounces back at me.

You fool,

I am a fool.

You liar,

I believed you.

But one thing that never bounces back?

Is my 'I love you'.

**********

Maybe you're the reason why I can't sleep..

The reason why I don't have an appetite.

The reason why My pillow is soaking with tears,

The reason why my eyes are always sore,

And the reason why I can't love again.

These maybe (s)--

May be true.

********

I still can't find a way to escape this miserable maze,

I can't find the end,

Or am I still blinded by you?

Please help me get over.

********

Tears into blood,

Blood into alcohol.

Alcohol that might heal the pain?

Or maybe not?

A cure for this broken piece?

Or maybe not?

Does time heal?

Time passed--

But I'm still not okay.

********

When will I ever paint a smile on my face again?

The real one that I have.

Like the smile, I have when I'm with you?

Happiness..

The joy of you and me?

When will I have that without your existence?

When will I stop these tears from falling..

No, I fell.. when will I stop falling for you?

***********

On this day, mark this

I'll end this hatred and focus on myself.

Maybe I have forgotten who I really am,

Because my world keeps revolving around you when we're still together.

I have realized that I still have me,

And I want myself back to reality.

There's hope,

There's a way to escaping.

Escaping this complication,

Loving myself even more as my motivation.

I won't be happy unless I am happy.

I want this mind of mine in peace,

Even without you.

I know I can,

And I can stand the pain.

I know I can,

And I will.

I can stand up again.

I will get myself back from being lost,

And I will treasure myself more.

I'll go back to the place where I belong,

The ones I called home.

This is me signing out as the bitter lady,

I'll be back as my better self.