How many times we would have said that five words, I'm not sure. Running for the school bus because we decided to have another piece of bread for breakfast, obtain a flat tire while driving me to my first job interview.
No one can prepare you for the complete sorrow you eat when you meet such a cruel reality. We always assumed we had plenty of time. There will always be the shopping tomorrow, which we can't worry about doing today. When the rain eventually starts, it would always be there next week to go to the beach.
There would always have been for the marriage next year.
Following the diagnosis, we started to tick up the customary activities of the bucket list. We left our work and I gave every single money to make us the happiest period in our life in the next three months. I didn't sure how after all I'd go on without him, but that's an other problem.
The days were exhausting and yet, since I owed it to him, I kept pushing myself above my boundaries. I had been pushing a vacation and decided to spend my time with someone else for every time I postponed arrangements and have owed them all back. Each second. Each second
I squeezed his hand tighter when he pressed the gas pedal to its full and blinked the tears out from my eyes, as if my good intentions could telephone us. The tears threatened to shock me now while I sprinkled the small air pockets I could locate.
I didn't want anything more in my life, honestly.
Whilst I saw the speedeter climb more and more, I whispered silent prayers in my brain for anyone above. Let's just get to it. One final thing, let me do it.
I snuggled at him in the passenger seat, reluctantly. Now it was a ghostly color, like the fading of his soul. Her eyes fell as he struggled hard to keep her open and forced her lips to grin laterally which only shattered my heart more when I believed that no more hurt had to be done. I didn't want to remember him like that. It was the way I spread my veins when I was around him that I could not feel more his warmth. I felt just ice instead.
I could feel his heart was not in it any more, as we passed the halfway point in the bucket list. In the beginning I thought chemotherapy finally pulled him off of me, but he was really minded. He planned to make the final application in detail so that, if he had come to me with such a detailed set of instructions for his last minute, I could probably have refused that.
I tried to speak to him with my medical head. The additional couple of days of chemotherapy would give us more valuable days... but I knew it was not helpful. The way he lit his eyes, as he described it, was sufficient reason for it. When I was passionate about something, I missed the way he would lull, whether it convinced the traffic police that I didn't deserve my parking ticket, or telling me I was the best person he ever knew about. Again he glowed and persuaded me that yes, in the world, we really always had it. That's why, as he told me about the small spot on the top of the canyon where you could watch the sunrise, I had an indescribable grin.
He was thinking of all. How can I get him out of his private hospital room without alarming him, how to get to a getaway car and where he wanted to spend his last hours with me.
I only had one role in this elaborate, to get him there..
Up until this moment, I had done pretty well. Yeah his parents were probably looking for us by the police right now, but we were too far off to catch up with them anytime soon. We rented the left car in cash we had and it was big enough to bring us, so I didn't expect any problems. I did make a fatal mistake though - presuming it would be filled with enough gas by the idiots who rented it for me.
The car fought me, moaning at its last fuel drops as we approached our last stop. Nearly a little further, there. My hand was deadly and if there had been any, I would have stopped blood flow. My eyes staggered with the tears that still gushed my face down. I was furious that I had not taken this tiny detail into account that could shatter the whole plan. I've all ruined.
I glued my eyes to the road as I wanted to take my car so quickly, but I felt like he was leaving me. It was an odd feeling, but I suddenly knew I was driving alone now. I yelled about my black sky frustration as I threatened to steal from him the last moments of light to warn him. The sky was turning and the air inside the car was cooler when my body was shaking for me with resentment. If I had stole another look, so I would look forward, wind down the window, let the morning air bite dry out my eye. I would not be afraid of what I would see in passenger seating. Now I could not stop. I could not break.
And yet we were so close. He was slipping away.
I've not been ready to say farewell. Facing my own life. Would he stay if I attached him a little tighter? Perhaps the sun would heal him and give him life. Perhaps it'd take him back to me.
Now the sun was rising and warmth started to flow across the canyon. It made me feel safe as I missed the darkness. It was quiet. You could truly convince yourself that the time had stopped when the obscurity threatened to wrap you up.
But now, as sun rose and the sky turned a beautiful shade of fish, I could feel the heat reaching my face, again welcoming her longest friends in her arms. The way I just wanted to hold it for the last time is holding it.
