"I'm in the Dark Side"

March 17, 2022

To love and to be loved by somebody or someone is the most wonderful feeling you ever wish to feel. And the most love that you can surely assure that this is unconditional and true give love is the love from our parents.

My life becomes an open book here in read. cash, I share a lot of personal stories, share personal information, even my heartaches, and disappointments in life. I stated in one of my articles that I was raised by my father's sister who doesn't have a child. The sister of my father and her husband become my second parents.

I also shared with you that I am much close with my dad (my second parent) because he is the one who takes care of me since then and he is also the one who attended my graduation from nursery till high school. In my college days, he is the one who pinned my nameplate during my internship but he is not the one who is with me in the ring hoop and hooding ceremony they let my husband do his part.

During my whole educational journey, I have learned a lot and in the other part enjoyed it. To be honest I am not an honor student that's why my mom (second parent) undervalued me for not being like other students who got awards or recognitions in school. She always called me daft for not being an honor student.

When I failed in my first take in the Examination for Professional Teacher, I heard a lot of hurtful words from her. Instead of cheering me up because I am at my lowest point, she chooses to judge me and named me daft. I cried out because I'm just her disappointment but thanks to my son and husband they saved me from stepping forward to the darkness that time.

I altered all hurtful words to words of encouragement, I need to fight for that mental stress because I am in service at that time as a private school teacher and I am not just a teacher but also a mom. With the help of the people who believe, loved me, and pray, I conquer the world of darkness. A shining light was sent by God to save me and take me to the right path of life.

Even I failed in my first attempt it doesn't mean that I am a failure, so I applied for the second time on December 27, 2019. The examination was scheduled for March 29, 2020, but it was canceled and moved how many times due to pandemic restrictions. The PRC issued a new date of the examination which is on March 2021, but it was canceled again and it was a blessing in disguise because I gave birth to my second baby at that time.

When the PRC issued again a new date of examination, it was stated there that due to a large number of examinees they need to do by batch examination. The first batch took their examination last September 2021 and I belong in batch two of examinees and we took last January 2022.

My review journey is hard as a rock, I need to read review material while breastfeeding my baby, I need to have a quick review while my baby takes her nap and my husband helps me to review in the nighttime, he volunteers to take care of the two gifts of God so that I can read and answers the review materials. Self-reviewing is not easy and to be honest it triggers my postpartum depression and anxiety. I become more sensitive and easy to be distracted especially when I am in my review session. I do my best because I don't want to hear again hurtful words from my own family.

January 30, 2022, is the day of the examination but two days before that I weaned my baby which also triggers my emotional breakdown. Before and after answering the questioners I go to the comfort room of the testing area to manually pump out my breast milk because it hurts a lot and I am scared that maybe my milk will lick and damage my answer sheet. After the examination day, I don't even imagine that my anxiety will bother me again.

My whole February is a mess, I can't sleep plus emotional breakdown. I cried a lot and I don't even know the real reason until my husband explains everything to me. My husband told me that maybe I'm afraid to fail again and hear another hurtful word. I think he's right, maybe because I am on my edge of patience hearing those hurtful words not from other people but from my own family, especially my mom (second parent).

March 11, 2022, when the result was finally out and I am blessed that God heard and granted my prayers. I passed the examination I am now a Licensed Professional Teacher, my husband, my cousins, some of my aunts, and almost all of my friends online are sending their greetings for the job well done. But when I told my mom that I passed the LET, she just replied with "Ah okay".

Do you know why?

Because she except the opposite result, she except that I will not pass the LET because of the reason that I am not an honor student and not becoming an honor student in her eyes you are a daft person.

*Bulok mana mao bitaw dili honor

*Hinay manag utok mao wa kapasar

Hearing those words from the one who raised you is like you are burning yourself in hell.

It triggers my emotional breakdown until know I am currently suffering. I feel the same vibe and same feeling when I failed the LET, just like nothing happened. While other passers shout their success and I am here on my dark side drowning.

I just want to be loved and to be appreciated even once by her. I do my very best to make them proud but it is hard for her to see it.

But they've said life must go on. And I don't know if I can move out from this side of darkness.

Thank you for reading my article and spending your time with me. I highly appreciated it.

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