Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his butt.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, let's run upstairs and love us" and you say, "I can't do both."
Boy: * calls 911 * Hello? I need your help!
911: Okay what's that?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one wins.
A husband asks his wife, "Do you want to get married after I die?" The woman replies: "No, I will live with my sister." The woman asks him back: "Do you want to get married after I die?" The husband replies: "No, I will live with your sister too."
I've been in my relationship for about three years now and have erectile dysfunction. My girlfriend and I have different ideas about the problem: she bought me Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
An explorer enters an undiscovered grave for the first time and there is a lamp in the center of the grave. He picks it up and when he starts rubbing the dirt off it, a ghost comes out of the lamp and says, "I want to know the person you hate the most." The explorer says: "This must be my ex-wife. Why?" “I'm a cursed ghost. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you want, your ex-wife will receive double that amount. "" Okay, I want a billion dollars. " "Granted, your ex-wife is getting two billion dollars." "I want a California mansion with a swimming pool and tennis courts, everything." "Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your last wish." The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the ghost with a stick and says, “Do you see that stick? I want you to beat me half to death. "