I wanted to write about what my inner voice has been telling me lately but I can't find enough words for all of it.
So I'd rather write about my day.
I looked really fine today. And I wore so much confidence.
Now I think that I am more confident than I will ever believe I am. I only just have to be. Not try. Just be.
I came to this conclusion after I left the office I was in today and all the time on my way home, I would play every scenario from today in my head. I tried to find where it all came from and it all kept leading to me - within.
It has always been here.
For an appointment scheduled to hold by 10 am, I found myself getting ready from as early as 7 am. I had never done that before.
And before, during and after my bath, I whistled, I hummed to the songs playing in my head and I danced to the tunes, wriggling my waist like my life depended on it. I didn't stop even when I was ready to leave. I wriggled in front of the mirror. I pouted my lips, made to kiss the woman starring back on the lips too but the mirror was dusty. Plus, it was going to mess with the nude lipstick I had on.
So I danced my way out of the house.
Back, I still had the joy on, and a plan to step out again but the rain wouldn't let me. An hour and two and three and I said I would walk in the rain. I did. I was wet but I enjoyed every walk; to and fro.
I had one of the most beautiful days today. I learnt and 'unlearnt' so much that I cannot share here at the moment. I laughed one of my loudest too.
And then I had one low. It was in the early hours of the afternoon. It came with tears, so much, but it didn't last up to an hour.
That's just about how the day went.
Recently, my inner voice has been a lot peaceful than ever. There's been no fights, no harsh criticisms and condemnations and she has not tried to stop me from all of the things that I've wanted to do (and doing).
She comforts me at my low times and we smile and laugh when I do things right. I thought I messed up a few days ago and when I sat to beat myself up, I felt her pat me on the back.
She tells me I am human when I feel like I've blown things up and she has helped with my confidence in so many ways.
We were never like this. We were like two sisters; she being the older, stronger and mean and I, the younger and weak. And she always tried to make me feel like I was not enough for everything I tried to do and she would always give a thousand reasons why a thing would never work.
Although now I like to think that it has always been my mindset. I just give her a name to differentiate the thoughts in my head and my mind.
I think this way because I was always a pessimist until two months ago. And every time there was a thing to do, I would subconsciously come up with more reasons not to do it than I would reasons to. So my mind carried with that negativity.
And just now that I have learnt to be more positive, and still learning, my mind has become more positive and peaceful.
I am happier this month than I have been since the year started.
I have had to try out more things without fighting discouraging voices.
It has always been my mindset. Now I see somethings differently from the way I used to and I am starting to understand life better.
I want to continue with this mindset even in the darkest times. I want to find possibilities in almost everything no matter how hard they seem.