This is somehow a write up to assuage my troubled thoughts. You see, I've been in constant despair due to my own way of thinking. Hilarious I totally deserve that, thank you very much. notice the sarcasm Not that there's something new ....
I'm always depressed or stressed or looking fine as hell but deep down I'm already screaming for help.
I have a lot of messed up thoughts, one of them is my fear of being replaced
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Whoa. Ain’t that a cliché intro don’t you think?
This is not intended for those mushy "optimist"
I have foresighted that this will be full of dramas and darkness.
Just pure sadness and problems. Sss I could rap that *smirks*
So where were we again? Oh right, my fear of being replaced. I'm so fucking aware that I’m no special. I don’t spit fire, or release water on my palms. This bitch ain’t yo avatar HAHAHAHA Seriously, I’m kidding.
Okay, on a serious note. I really don’t have anything special that could feed my insecurity of being replaced. There’s always someone better than me :3
"You’re unique in your own way"
"I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there"
Oh please save those petty words of encouragement just to uplift my dying spirit. *rolls eye*
I used to be an optimist. Looking at the bright side of a problem, exhaling rainbows; and offering hugs to strangers (exaggerating hihi) you get the point.
I used to have this mindset "This is okay. It'll past, there’s always next time" and again, and again, and again, until I lost that power and became the NON-STOP EMO MACHINE!! *evil laugh*
I know that I'm easily replaced
I’m not pretty
Too skinny
I don’t have that luscious body that could make you drool
I don’t sing ( I sound like a hyena)
And I have this temper that could make you run
I'm the worst person to be in a relationship with.
Because of my fear, I tend to push people away. Shut down my heart, and just be a cold hearted human (a defense mechanism) Because when I feel like I’m just a disturbance to that person, I kind of just walk away and expect them to go looking for me if I’m really that important to them.
Also, I’m very sensitive. You can ignore me with a reasonable reason and I'll assume that you hate me or you don’t love me anymore. Or maybeee I'm right all along I’m not that important for your attention. Someone deserves to have your time more than I do.
You see, I don’t know when and how this fear/insecurity started but all I know is that its eating all my good happy thoughts and replacing them with negative toxic ones. And as much as I want to delete this toxicity .... I just cant you know? Its really easier said than done.
Its like I’m starting all over again. With an empty book. Zero confidence and self-esteem. With no courage to write and inspire others. You know maybe in time I'll find my calling once again and maybe just maybe I can write something positive that could reflect my optimism just like before
