Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy
relationship. When you experience a positive emotional
connection with your partner, you feel safe and happy.
When people stop communicating well, they stop relating
well, and times of change or stress can really bring out
the disconnect. It may sound simplistic, but as long as
you are communicating, you can usually work through
whatever problems you’re facing.
Tell your partner what you need, don’t
make them guess.
It’s not always easy to talk about what you need. For
one, many of us don’t spend enough time thinking about
what’s really important to us in a relationship. And even
if you do know what you need, talking about it can make
you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or even ashamed. But
look at it from your partner’s point of view. Providing
comfort and understanding to someone you love is a
pleasure, not a burden.
If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume
that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are
thinking and what you need. However, your partner is
not a mind-reader. While your partner may have some
idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly
to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense
something, but it might not be what you need. What’s
more, people change, and what you needed and wanted
five years ago, for example, may be very different now.
So instead of letting resentment, misunderstanding, or
anger grow when your partner continually gets it wrong,
get in the habit of telling them exactly what you need.
Take note of your partner’s nonverbal cues
So much of our communication is transmitted by what
we don’t say. Nonverbal cues, which include eye contact,
tone of voice, posture, and gestures such as leaning
forward, crossing your arms, or touching someone’s
hand, communicate much more than words. When you
can pick up on your partner’s nonverbal cues or “body
language,” you’ll be able to tell how they really feel and
be able to respond accordingly. For a relationship to
work well, each person has to understand their own and
their partner’s nonverbal cues. Your partner’s responses
may be different from yours. For example, one person
might find a hug after a stressful day a loving mode of
communication—while another might just want to take a
walk together or sit and chat.
It’s also important to make sure that what you say
matches your body language. If you say “I’m fine,” but
you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is
clearly signaling you are anything but “fine.”
When you experience positive emotional cues from your
partner, you feel loved and happy, and when you send
positive emotional cues, your partner feels the same.
When you stop taking an interest in your own or your
partner’s emotions, you’ll damage the connection
between you and your ability to communicate will suffer,
especially during stressful times.
Be a good listener
While a great deal of emphasis in our society is put on
talking, if you can learn to listen in a way that makes
another person feel valued and understood, you can build
a deeper, stronger connection between you. There’s a
big difference between listening in this way and simply
hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged
with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations
in your partner’s voice that tells you how they’re really
feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate.
Being a good listener doesn’t mean you have to agree
with your partner or change your mind. But it will help
you find common points of view that can help you to
resolve conflict.
Manage stress
When you ’ re stressed or emotionally
overwhelmed, you ’ re more likely to misread
your romantic partner , send confusing or off -
putting nonverbal signals , or lapse into
unhealthy knee- jerk patterns of behavior. How
often have you been stressed and flown off the
handle at your loved one and said or done
something you later regretted? If you can learn
to quickly manage stress and return to a calm
state , you’ ll not only avoid such regrets , but
you ’ ll also help to avoid conflict and
misunderstandings ——and even help to calm
your partner when tempers build .
