I am not sure if I should start my earlier writing days in this site with serious side of my life story. I guess I just need to get it out there and out of my chest. So, I'll give it a shot.
My Life Story in a Nutshell
After a promising start, graduating from the Top 3 university in the country, I got off guard by the sudden turn and eventual downward spiral of my life. The expectations were so high so the downfall really hurt.
I was bullied early on in my job. I was traumatized and stigmatized. Eventually I got mental and physical issues. I stayed due to family pressures, learned helplessness and worsening health.
Now, 2 decades later, I stumbled upon financial independence, minimalism and simple living. I found hope with contentment and gratitude. There is hope.
Moments I Want to Give Up
But there are days when I feel like quitting life is so much easier than going on. I never fully understood this. But it must be the hurt inflicted by other people and society on me, lost dreams and betrayals by loved ones. 42 years of accumulated negative events takes its toll.
New Day, New Hope
After these low, low moments I would start to pick myself up and tell myself God, the Universe, Nature has willed that I exist so it would be a shame to throw it all away. Other people are suffering much worse and they are carrying on. This is the moment a desire to be of use and be a force of good would swell on me. And I start to appreciate the life that is given to me because I am able to help my family, and people I encounter in my life.
One of the yoga pose I do is the warrior pose. After licking my wounds in my room which is my safe haven, I would brace myself for battle and fight.
Our Generation is Rich
Think of all the blogs, videos, movies, ebooks and infinite resources on the internet. I remember being a kid and having to wait hours for my favorite show in our neighbor because we dont have a TV. We did eventually got one where the antennae has to be turned to get a good enough reception which is so bad but for us it is joy to be able to watch.
My need to be assertive
I lost in the battle when I gave my power away. But bullies go after the weak because they can. This is true from an interpersonal level to powerplay between countries. I remember Professor X in X-men telling "the strong to protect the weak".
My Dilemma
I want to leave. To forget. To start over. The memories are just too heavy. But uncertainty terrifies me.
Everything my mother told me about the culture of that organization turned out true. When someone is back fighting a colleague, be sure he/she is also doing it to you behind your back. How naivete I was entering there and wanting to prove my mother wrong that I can lead these people into positivity and good relations as I have experienced in the university. How wrong I was. I'm a nutcase.
Reminds of the movie Shawshank Redemption where one inmate hanged himself when he was freed. Psychologists refer to this as being "institutionalized" being used to the life and knows no other way. I sometimes feel like I am like that. No matter how hard I suffer, at least I am within my comfort zone. Although I wouldn't say comfort because I feel anxious when going to work. Easily solved with a chamomile tea.
Takeaway:
You might be having tough times. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Photo credit: Pixabay