I started the day early. Had breakfast. Watched some movies which I enjoyed and played League of Kingdom. I was having a little fun, it is weekend after all.
Later in the day, I felt that my eyes are beginning to get tired so I decided to do something off-screen. I cleared the clutter from the living room, sweeping and organizing here and there. I felt good after, I had done something productive. Looking at my tidy living room made me smile.
I was back facing at my laptop again looking to write something on read.cash. Then it reminded of earning money. Then my thoughts led me to my dayjob. And I remembered I will be left to be Officer in Charge and attend a meeting. This thought progressed into past events that led to mental health issues. My heart started palpitating. I felt a lump on my chest building until I am finding it hard to breath. My temples are throbbing. My body is turning sweaty and cold. And I started to feel weak. I feel like I wanted to cry. I was utterly and totally miserable. This has been my life for 2 decades in the job I am in.
Now, 3 hours later, I am now drinking chamomile. I am typing this post. I will enjoy my life. I owe it to myself. Every human being does.
The solution in my mind? Online jobs.
What is stopping me?. My own fears. My doubts. My financial instability.
But at least I have accepted that I am in crisis. This is a real crisis. And I am not afraid to tell this to the world. And whoever would discriminate me, will be answerable to the law.
While contemplating on why this is happening to me. I have accepted that I have been a victim of abuse and bullying. I have faced fears that are real. My former doctor has advised me to move into online jobs.
Transitioning has been difficult for me. Right now I am watching a video about using accounting softwares. Day by day I will slowly learn while I battle with my anxiety which is triggered by certain aspects in my dayjob. Self awareness have taught me that I have to stop getting exposed to certain activities because it triggers my anxiety. I will educate myself more so I can get proper help the right way.
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Tidbits42
Photo is by Pixabay