(originally published 6/8/2018)

This week we've seen the passing of public personality Anthony Bourdain. What sparked discussion was that it was an apparent suicide, which has caused a lot of people to react with surprise at someone who was perceived to be so successful taking his own life.

No one but Anthony knows his motivations. Still, having been extremely close to suicide several times myself, I feel like this is a good chance to try to help make sense of it all. This is such a difficult and emotional subject, and it gets messy to even talk about it sincerely, but I feel an obligation to touch on it if it helps even one person to gain a better understanding.

You never really know what people are going through

We think we know people. We think because someone is financially successful, hardworking, attractive, popular, and has good health and a good family, that they must be doing great. In reality, there could be so much more going on inside, from real-world tragedies and insecurities to psychological struggles that have been ongoing for quite some time. In both cases, the rest of us might not have a clue, since many people keep their struggles inside to not appear weak, because they themselves don't understand what they're going through, or because they'd rather suffer in silence than deal with all the attention that speaking out about it would bring.

When I was in final deliberations on whether or not to end my own life, not a soul knew about it. I was young, considered attractive and well-liked by many, hardworking and accomplished, and working in a passion of mine, with a great relationship with my dozens of students. I nonetheless was in great pain and wanted out ASAP by any means necessary, and didn't want to tell anyone, precisely because the thought of having all that was going on inside just laid out for the public to examine and discuss without end was to me an even worse fate than either keeping quiet or ending my life. So I kept quiet. I made it through eventually, but not all do.

Smart, creative people are the most susceptible

  Unfortunately, people with intelligence, creativity, and non-traditional thinking patterns tend to be the easiest to go by their own hand. Humans, as animals, are programmed to think about the now, fight for food and mates, and generally survive without the slightest thought to how and when it's all going to be over. Human consciousness, on the other hand, can see much farther, and the deeper thinkers see a fuller scope of existence, and have more and harder questions about the meaning of life. On a far-reaching level, they can see how insignificant a single human life is in the grand scheme of the universe, and have difficulty seeing how their actions make a difference whatsoever. On a personal level, they can be filled with self-doubt as to how smart, kind, and competent they are, if they're well-liked, and are acutely aware of everything that could go wrong, leading them to focus on this rather than everything they're doing wonderfully. In both cases, it's a small mortal knowing a little too much for their emotions and instincts to be able to handle.

Suicide support services be damned, there's really nowhere to go and be understood

  Now I know what most people are thinking: "If only we had known we could have helped." In many cases, no, you couldn't have. While there are plenty of support services out there for people on the edge, largely there's nothing out there for us. I've never felt more alienated in my life than when I opened up about my own suicidal plans before. So few care to understand you as a person, and treat the disease of unhappiness before its final symptom comes knocking, that for the most part you're on your own until it's too late. Many well-meaning people would even be happy to try to help you out way in the beginning, but they're mostly unequipped to understand the depth and complexity of depression. Even worse, every conversation with someone who just can't understand can drive a person more into isolation and loneliness.

Which is why I'm writing this. I have no idea what other people are going through, and definitely don't want to contribute to the problem. What I can do, however, is offer my own life experience and thoughts, and put them out there in case someone else has felt the same, and will feel less alone by reading this. I encourage you, anyone else who feels they "get it," to do the same.

Is a Premature End Really a Bad Thing?

  Now we get to the spot that upsets a lot of people, especially the grieving family and friends of people who took their own life. It's especially painful since many of those left behind experience the darkness and complexity of existence for the first time, and are never the same. Understanding all this, I have no choice but to go forward. The only way to make some sense or sanity out of the whole thing is with the truth, to fully wrap our heads around the concept of a finite existence, and by so doing to remove its power to unequivocally cause us grief in this life.

We all end

  This is the biggest reality that most people have a hard time grappling with when it comes to suicide: we all die. The universe and life are infinite, we aren't. From the moment we first open our eyes in this world, the clock is ticking until we leave it for good. So much focus on the tragedy of suicide seems to imply that it brings an end that otherwise wouldn't arrive. We, as living critters, are hardwired to deny and struggle against our inevitable end with all of our might, all of our resources, and all of our ingenuity. That's how we survived as a species, and the same goes for all life. Truly grasping the inescapable end is how we become more than mere mammals. This can lead to true transcendent happiness, but it can also lead to life-ending despair.

Sometimes the choice is to end happy, rather than in pain or regret

  Premature ends can very often be related to suffering, but not always. Sometimes, they come to people who are perfectly happy, satisfied, and fulfilled with their lives. In this case, it comes as a simply hard-headed decision to select exactly when to take the inevitable end. It could be a happy person faced with a terminal illness or other impending source of pain, choosing to end on a high note rather than mar their happy lives with an extra couple years of suffering at the end. Sometimes, in a move that truly baffles most, an end is chosen without a specific desire to escape pain, but simply because they're done living. Right now, I can't imagine a situation where I, without pain of some kind, choose to be done with life, but some just live as long as they have living to do, and then stop. This decision, while confusing to most, still must be respected.

The real tragedy isn't cutting off time, but cutting off life

  The really sad part about suicide isn't that it cuts short our time on this planet, but that it robs us of fulfilled living. The real tragedy when someone ends their life is that, with the right help, they may have been able to get in a few extra years of a happy and productive life, and that they simply didn't see that option at the time. We have to differentiate between loss of time and loss of life here. However, realizing this truth puts us in an awkward position, where we have to now look at wastes of life as equal, if not worse, than murder or suicide. Make no mistake: conning (or forcing) someone into spending precious moments of their life on something that isn't the maximizing of their human potential is no different from murdering them right on the spot. Similarly, wasting your own life, out of fear or other weakness, on holding back from doing everything you ever dreamed of achieving and experiencing, is the real suicide we all fear.

Remember, then, that the actual end isn't the tragedy, but everything that comes before. You could be killing yourself a little bit every day. Cry not for the fallen, mourn the walking dead.

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