@TeacherJen 17 December 2021 edited

When do you choose yourself?

**“When do you choose yourself?”**

If you’re a breadwinner, you can always hear this kind of question. I, as the breadwinner of the family, this question sometimes awakens the weakest part of me; an emotion that I keep hiding. Whenever someone asks me this question, I somehow pity myself for not having the guts to choose myself and make myself a priority. And I can’t even answer them directly. But to justify the question, I answered them “I’d rather sacrifice myself than see my family suffer, my satisfaction is their happiness and that happiness can never be taken away from me” – This answer surely I know that this came deep from my heart. It sounds so selfless, but it’s all true.

Sometimes, I feel bothered about this question. And whenever I’m alone, I ask myself the word “when”. I’m just a human. I am capable of feeling any of my emotions and I think it’s somehow valid. There are days that I feel suffocated and exhausted, especially when I feel unappreciated and alone. I feel drained and frustrated whenever I feel no one notices my efforts. I feel sad and my heart crumples whenever I feel tired, but no one cares. I cried a lot, and I wanted to run to someone who I could cry on. I want to breathe so deeply, and shout everything that burdens me. But being a breadwinner, though these emotions are valid somehow, my purpose in life and my goal awaken my heart and mind. And as I look around, my family, the main reason for my struggles enlightens me, again and again, every time that I lose in my track. And the questions that they keep asking me, become also my motivation to get through.

And as I realize for everything that I have, I am blessed because God chose me to be the breadwinner of the family. I am blessed because God uses me to share what I have. He gives me reasons. He shows me my goals in life, and direct me to the path where I can be useful in His glory.  It’s alright to feel sad, to feel weak sometimes. It’s alright to cry and to call someone when you feel heavy. It’s alright to find someplace to find peace and release the stress. It’s okay not to be okay, but the most important thing is not giving up.  Remember why you started and how long you’ve come so far to give up.  For everyone whose carrying all the burdens, you’re not alone. Remember that all of your struggles will be pay off soon. The more pain you can feel it gives you more reasons to be happy. We may not understand the struggles that we have right now; but always remember that God knows all your troubles, and He will always by your side, as what He said in the Bible in the book of **Isaiah 41:10 “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.** This verse reminds us to keep going, for He is always there for us; we don’t have to be afraid because He will help us throughout. You can always choose yourself first, but living your life with others is worth living.  **Remember that you are chosen with a purpose, and you live with a purpose!**