Why don't I like dating?

Dating can be… really fun, and exciting, and butterfly. And to some extent, just like with most things, it’s what you make of it. But it can also kind of… suck. Big time. Let’s talk about that.

I remember talking to this very old lady a couple of years ago and he said something along the lines of, “I don’t get you, young people. Back in my days, when you found someone you cared for and who you got along with, you stayed together for the rest of your lives. Why are you all making it so difficult?”

She wasn’t wrong. Once upon a time, it seems to have been rather straightforward. You met someone from your hometown or university, and if it made sense to be with them for whatever reasons, you were, and you held on to them. The end. Something like that.

So, why is it so difficult now? And is it even? I don’t know the answer to those questions, I’m just another person navigating through life like everyone else, but I do have my suspicions as to why, based on my experiences, the conversations I’ve had, and what I’ve read.

• I. Option overflow

For better and for worse, the world is getting smaller. With the internet, we’re no longer geographically limited. You could technically date people from anywhere in the world; people who, pre-internet era, you would’ve likely never gotten in touch with. I could go on my phone and start chatting with singles from Argentina or Germany, all in a few minutes.

You might think, “Great! More options mean that I have a better shot at finding my person, right?”. Perhaps… but not exactly, at least not according to psychologist Barry Schwartz, author of the book “The Paradox of Choice”, who wrote, quote “The existence of multiple alternatives makes it easy for us to imagine alternatives that don’t exist—alternatives that combine the attractive features of the ones that do exist. And to the extent that we engage our imagination in this way, we will be even less satisfied with the alternative we end up choosing. So, once again, a greater variety of choices actually makes use.”

So, is that the problem with modern dating then? Do we have too many options? Well, I don’t think the “option overflow” is the main concern here, but rather, the behaviors that it seems to induce. I’ve thought of three things: disability, or as I like to call it, drive through mentality; impatience; and finally, selfishness. Let’s start with the first one.

• I. Disposability (drive-through mentality)

I think most people would agree that, when we invest very little in something, we don’t treat it with as much care. This is one of the reasons I’m into minimalism—by default, I invest in what’s more durable and long-term; whether that’s things or people. On a dating app, you can swipe through hundreds of people in a matter of minutes; can you imagine how much time, effort, and energy it would take to meet a hundred people in real life?

Picture this scenario. You’re stuck on a ship with 100 people. Would you care to continue a conversation with someone who wasn’t meeting your needs upfront? Would you push yourself, invest and compromise? Chances are, you wouldn’t, because there are plenty of options, so you could just move along and shoot your shot with someone else.

Let’s instead say that you were stuck on a ship with only four people, would you now feel more inclined to put more effort into the conversation? I know I probably would because I’d be lower on options, so I’d probably care more to make it work. Swap out being stuck on a ship with modern dating and modern relationships.

Are we not willing to put in the work anymore?

Throw-away society, defined as “..a critical view of overconsumption and excessive production of short-lived or disposable items over durable goods that can be repaired.”

Mainly used to describe consumerism and the excessive usage of single-use items and such; but also, sometimes used to describe the dating climate of our time. I read a tweet by someone a while back, I don’t remember it exactly, but it stuck in my head, and it went something like, “it’s till death do us part” not “till argument does us part”, and I thought it was quite funny. Not, like, funny funny, but, funny.

Taking the easy way out of a dating scenario or relationship seems to become increasingly common; where something ends even though the obstacles faced were very much fixable, but not willing to be fixed. Because why work through obstacles when there could be obstacle-free options, right?

Now, of course, the whole option thing is just an illusion; we’re swiping our way into confusion, perhaps not realizing there’s no such thing as the perfect partnership, that that’s something that’s achieved together. Perhaps we should stop and ask ourselves more often if the results we seek are matching the effort we put in.

It’s not very surprising that we lack patience considering the speed of things today. We seek instant gratification. Quick fixes, quick outcomes. Who can blame us? Heck I know I’ll order food online and wonder why it’s taking so long when it’s only been 35 minutes. In a time where most things we need can be delivered to our doorstep, we seem to sometimes overlook the fact that there’s no quick way to meaningful human connection, no matter how technologically advanced society becomes.

Finally, have we become too selfish, too self-absorbed, or just smarter?

I can of course only speak from the perspective of someone living in a country like Sweden when I say this, this sure isn’t the case everywhere in the world; our priorities have changed over time. Many people are more focused on their career, self-development, life experiences, or even just having fun. And since we’re used to a lot of mental stimulation, we become bored and frustrated easily. Many of us are trying to escape the routine of everyday life. We seek out novelty.

And if we seek out a partner, we don’t do it for the same reasons we used to. Now, I’m not saying that it used to be better back in the day. Some things were, and some things surely weren’t. I mean, once upon a time in Sweden, you could only be intimate with and have children with someone if you were married to or married-to-be with them. Having children outside of marriage was a big no-no, and getting married was primarily a financial matter, and before 1915, getting a divorce was difficult. So when we hear stories about how marriage used to last, I think it’s important to consider those things; it wasn’t necessarily because of unconditional love.

Things look very different today. Sacrificing yourself for a relationship or staying with someone out of duty isn’t seen as a virtue. We don’t need a partner. We don’t need marriage.

Now, where does all of that leave us? I don’t know. What do you think?