I think we all know the best ways of healing from a breakup. You look your best because you need to show them what they lost. You do some squats, find their location and walk past them. You go out with your friends, have some drinks, sleep with other people, because you know what they say: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And don’t forget to post about all of this online to show them how happy you are without them! But don’t post too much, because you want to leave them wondering.
I think we all know that that was a joke and how much I don’t agree with anything I just said, but that is some of the breakup advice I’ve found online, targeted at both teens and adults. The biggest issue I have with such advice is that it’s essentially saying, “make how you feel be about how they feel”, when really, the time after a breakup should be about you, and only you. And not you for anyone else, but you for you, Now of course I say “should”, but really, I mean in my humble opinion. I like to shift the perspective, from “how can I get over someone and let them go”, to “how can I heal from this and how can I grow”. They mean the same thing in some ways, but it allows for a different perspective.
You know, relationships are fascinating. I mean, the whole concept of deciding to co-exist with another human being who you’ve met for who knows what reason; a stranger you choose and who chose you. But as fascinating as they are, breakups are weird. You go from sharing this path of life with another person to walking it without them.
A lot of people compare it to feeling like someone passed away; except your sort of having a funeral for someone who’s still living. It’s kind of bizarre when you think about it. But as bizarre as it might be, it’s life,and it’s something most people go through at some point in their life. At this very moment, there are probably many, many couples around the world sleeping next to each other for the last time, and they might not even know it. With that being said, everyone’s relationships and breakups, and situations are very different. I’ll just be speaking from my experience, specifically from a breakup that affected me a few years ago.
Now, regardless of how your breakup happened—if you did it, they did it, it was mutual—it doesn’t matter, because the point is that it didn’t work out and your paths are now separated, regardless of who or how it happened. And the question to ask is:
How can you make the most out of this opportunity for growth, as you heal and as you move forward in life, so that you can become a better you?
1.Be human first
First thing’s first, I don’t think the very initial time after a breakup is the time to try to pressure yourself into trying to be rational. I think it’s time to just let yourself react naturally; to let yourself be human for a moment. Within reason, of course, meaning without causing any harm to yourself or anyone else.
How long that “initial time” is, is completely individual. There’s no exact timeline or structure to follow, there’s no step-by-step program or checklist because you can’t structure your feelings, especially after a breakup where our emotions are very much like a rollercoaster.
But I do need some structure in this article, so I’ll have to present it that way. But please keep in mind that this isn’t meant to be a checklist. So, whenever you’re ready:
2.Commit to letting yourself feel just enough, but not to where it consumes you.
I believe that we should allow ourselves to feel; we shouldn’t attempt to run away or to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings because we’re not robots, so whether we like it or not, it will resurface. So, rather, we should learn how to control them, and that is a commitment you make to yourself over and over again. One way that I like to visualize negative thoughts and feelings is like clouds. So, on a good day, the sky is clear. But if a cloud is to appear, I’m not going to pretend the sky is still clear, but I’m also not going to let it ruin my day. So, let’s say the cloud represents the anger I feel when I remember the time this person yelled at me. I’ll acknowledge its presence, I’ll allow myself to feel it for a moment, and then I’ll let it keep moving past me as I re-direct my focus back to what I was doing.
3. Take control of your narrative.
The words we use to construct the stories of different events in our lives have a significant impact on how we feel about it, and how we feel about ourselves. I remember asking a yoga teacher about struggling with motivating myself to go to class, and she said “well, instead of telling yourself “I have to go to class today”, tell yourself “I’m going to class today because I care about my health and I know it will make me feel good”. So, it’s not about changing or manipulating the narrative, it’s not about sugarcoating or altering reality so that you can feel better about yourself; it’s simply about rephrasing.
For instance, let’s say you were with someone who wasn’t very nice to you, and so now you’re beating yourself up over it because you feel like a fool, telling yourself how stupid you were for staying and that you should’ve known better. Generally speaking, I don't think that’s very productive. Instead you might say something like, I’m proud to be the type of person who takes loyalty and commitment seriously, but I’ve learned that it can be a weakness of mine because I tolerate more than I should. I’ve learned now that my well-being becomes before all of that”. This is just an example, of course.
4. Unfold the past to gain clarity
I think it’s really common to either demonize or romanticize the past. As for relationships, we might either tell ourselves that this person is a monster and a terrible person, sometimes as a coping mechanism, or we might do the opposite and think of them as way better and more appealing than they were. I don’t think either of those things is healthy. Seeing things objectively for what they were, all across the board (the good and the bad), without letting blame, ego, hatred, love, guilt—whatever it might be—alter our reality, can be difficult, but I believe that we can only gain clarity on a situation if we’re completely honest about the situation.
So, after a breakup, I think the question to ask is: how did the story unfold?
You might want to ask yourself, where did things go wrong? When did things go wrong? When were things great? When were they not? What leads up to that? How did I react when this thing happened? Was it fair? What made me love them? What should I have chosen differently?
Now, the purpose of this isn’t to dwell and ruminate; it’s to learn; just like how you’d go over a test when you didn’t get the result you wanted; you need to know what happened so that you can take notes for next time.
If reviewing a past relationship feels too intense and painful,perhaps it’s too soon. But it can be helpful to try and see it as an outsider like you’re reviewing a movie. If the issue is that you’re having trouble seeing things objectively, it might also be because it’s too soon. But it can be helpful having someone close to you help you. But please be wary, some people will only tell you what they think you want to hear, or they will speak based on their personal feelings and preferences. And perhaps that’s what you want. I’m a tough-love kind of person, I don’t like hearing the “you’re so much better off, he was a total douches at!” But hey, we’re all different.
Regardless, just keep in mind that not everyone’s opinion is valid or worth listening to. I think it’s really important to point out also that this isn’t something you should let yourself obsess over where you spend every minute trying to find answers and understand every little thing of what happened. That would be counterproductive. Your mission here isn’t to cleanse the bottom of the ocean and unveil all its secrets; your mission is to dive just deep enough to where you can pick up a few things of value, truly understand them and carry them with you into the future.
