It’s interesting to think that all those things that you want in life, or at least, think you want, someone else was probably born into having all of it.
From the umbilical cord straight into your dream life. You had no say in it, and neither did they. We don’t get to choose what kind of life we’re born into. What kind of family. And we most definitely don’t get to choose our looks and health at birth. We’re powerless, and we know this. Yet, we often go through life having difficulty accepting it. But the reality is, all you can do is do what you can.
I’m thin, always have been, and I’d get teased for it growing up. They’d tell me that real women have big breasts and more meat on their legs. It made me dislike my own body. The world would have had to burn down before you’d ever catch me in a tank top or skinny jeans. Instead, I’d wear sweats all summer, and if I had to look more put together, I’d put on three pairs of jeans on top of each other to appear thicker. To add, I skipped a grade, so I was always shorter than everyone else, which only added to the teasing.
I think this is a classic example of a situation when the reason you start comparing yourself in the first place is that someone else starts comparing you first. I was happy with the way I looked and felt in my own body, until, apparently, others felt the need to express that there was something wrong with that, and suddenly, you see yourself as flawed and everyone else seems better in comparison.
It’s been many years since then, by the way. I love my body today. I love my tender hands and wrists. My body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. How dare I have let someone else’s opinion make me question that?
Now you know how I said the world would have had to burn down before anyone ever saw me in a tank top? The same went for anyone ever seeing me in a ponytail with my ears exposed.
How I would get teased for them! I hated them, so much that whenever I went to get a haircut, I’d feel a lump in my stomach every time the hairdresser got close to my ears. I’d feel embarrassed, wondering if they noticed my ears and thought that they were big or weird. Anytime I ever saw someone else in a ponytail, and they had small ears, I’d think to myself “do they know how lucky they are? I’d give anything for those ears!”.
Now not to discredit the feelings of my younger self, but if only I would’ve spent that energy focusing on my math exams, perhaps I would’ve gotten that A. and by the way, I learned to love my ears quite some time ago. I. mean, I almost look like an elf from Harry Potter!
And if I get to resemble that, what else could I wish for in life?! And have you read my article “I stopped being judgemental”? My ear is literally glowing in that article, it looks so cool!
Now, these are only two examples of things I used to compare a lot, but self-comparison goes far beyond just looks of course, and we do it all the time. And it’s not always caused by someone else putting us down we humans tend to be pretty good at putting ourselves down, too.
Now, I think self-comparison is inevitable, it’s our way of trying to make sense of the world and ourselves. For that reason, I think it’s important to learn how to work with it instead of work against it, and that’s what I’d like to talk about today.
So, I like to distinguish between three levels of how-I-react when comparing myself. I call the three levels Dobby, Luna, and Hermione
Level Dobby is when self-comparison is purely discouraging and perhaps even destructive.
Level Luna is when you meet self-comparison with neutrality and acceptance. It’s when the way you view yourself isn’t dependent on who you encounter. It’s when you don’t let others people or external factors drive your behaviour.
Level Hermione is when self-comparison is encouraging, where you meet it with admiration and where it inspires self-growth. There might even be a touch of competitiveness to it. Only fair play, of course. Anything else is Dobby-Level.
Now, there are of course different levels of Dobby, Luna, and Hermione, and also, a person isn’t always one or the other.
But generally, I strive for my default mode to be on Level Luna with the occasional visit to Level Hermione whenever I think it will benefit me.
Where I don’t want to be is Level Dobby, and the first step towards leveling up from there, is, as with most things, through creating awareness.
Ask yourself, when do you feel that Dobby-level self-comparison creep in? Is it when you look at mansions on Pinterest? Is it when you’re on TikTok? Is it when you see that 19-year-old dude on Instagram who’s making millions? Is it when you visit your aunt who won’t zip it about why you aren’t married yet while everyone else your age is? Do you tend to compare yourself to friends or family? Take note of any patterns that you notice and write them down.
Now, this is of course only useful if you’re completely honest with yourself.
I talk about honesty in almost every article, but it is that important. And look, honesty can be scary. It can feel embarrassing and make you uncomfortable. We may not want to admit to ourselves that we’re comparing ourselves to our friends or to people we see online or whoever it might be.
But in my experience, not confronting those feelings will make you view the world as your rival, and that might turn into envy or even resentment, two of the least pretty words in the English language.
Once you start identifying these patterns, there are two things that I think are helpful:
First, I separate myself from anything that I find puts me on Dobby-level. If it’s social media, if it’s a friend, anything that I have the power of separating myself from, I will. Anything else would be me intentionally feeding toxicity into my life, and you do realize how that sounds? And of course, if it’s a friend or another person in your life, you should probably have a conversation first, let them know how you feel and so on,depending on the situation and all of that, that’s a whole different topic.
Second, and this is probably the most important step, I try to understand the root of what it is about those things that make me feel that way about myself.
For example, why do I feel terrible when seeing fitness accounts online? Why can’t I stand seeing anyone do better than me at work? Is it because I feel like I lack discipline and it takes a toll on my confidence? Is it because I know that I can do better but I’m too lazy and I don’t want to face it?
Whatever it might be, these were just some examples. The point is, we all have things we need to work on. Whether it’s our self-esteem, control issues or jealousy.
Now obviously, we need to talk about social media when talking about self-comparison.
I just want you to know, as surely as you know that the sky is blue, or cloudy if you live in Sweden, or foggy if you live in London, that not all things are as they seem, and you have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes. You can’t compare a page or two from someone’s book to your entire book and call it fair judgment. Even the happiest stories will have pages of sorrow, and even the saddest stories will have pages of happiness.
And that was all for today.