Snowman Parent
My daughter and I made a Snowman.
After eighteen winters in Finland, this was my first.
It was fun and was super excited to be doing it with me and afterward, she even said, "thank you daddy for building the snowman with me" in a very formal way, to make sure that I knew she really appreciated it. Normally, it is more of a "Thanks Daddy!" kind of thing, more out of knowing she should, rather than being deeply thankful.
Kids. No respect these days.
Actually in her case, that is a massive lie. Well, I don't know if there is "respect", but there is plenty of appreciation and unlike most of the young kids we know, she looks after her belongs and, she looks after our belongings too. We have been fortunate that she is conscientious in this way, but it also kind of "worries" me.
When I was a kid, I was much the same and did my best to look after what I had, because I really didn't have that much that was actually mine. Most of what I got was hand-me-downs from three older brothers and were already "pre-worn" before I got a chance to play. Thinking back though, I wonder if that has made me more cautious in some way and is one of the drivers of my general scarcity mindset, because I knew that if I broke it, I wasn't going to get a replacement or an alternative anytime soon.
I do think that the environment we inhabit when we are kids have a profound effect on our lives and while we remember the big things, I suspect it is the small things that have the greatest influence. Little nudges here and there, a chance event, a few harsh words, a slip and a sharp pain as a reminder - all these little daily events impact on us and impress themselves into who we become, even though for the most part, we can't recall them and often, we weren't even fully conscious of them at the time.
They say that a peer group has a larger effect on the outcome of a person than the parents and I suspect that this is true, where the "we are what we eat" statement comes into play, where our surroundings become what we consume. Yes, the culture in the home and the parents influence, but perhaps it is the peer group that cement it into place. Often, we surround ourselves with people similar to us and since we are already similar to our parents at that stage, it ingrains the lessons.
I don't what my daughter will grow into, but I know that currently she is a little bit of a follower in her peer group, not a leader. She has been this way since young, but I also know that when alone, she is independent and wants to prove things to herself, almost to a fault. I was the same as a kid when I was alone, but due to the "conditions" at the time at my school, I didn't have a peer group that I was spending time with, I had a class of students that I largely avoided, spending the time alone reading or observing instead.
See what I mean? Was I born a "people watcher" or was I developed into one through peer group exclusion, not included in the group activities, but still forced to be around them? It is impossible to tell, but watching my daughter grow since birth, I have seen a lot of her observational skills developing from a young age and develop with increasing refinement and accuracy. I support and feed her interest areas where I can, and this has always been one of them.
I wonder though, how far will she take it and will she "give it up" once she is spending more time with friends? Will she be the follower all of her life or will she work out her strengths and use it to guide herself through life?
Some people use the social media kind of "leader/influencer" as the opposite of follower, but I don't think that is the case. For example, my daughter needn't lead anyone at all, but can still be self-directed herself. You can lead yourself, you can only be who you are and where you are at any given point in time and space - but you can influence yourself to move in various directions.
It isn't the job of a parent to guide a child onto a life path in my opinion, though it often goes that way with the "get good grades and a good job" mentality. How I see it is that if our lives and consequences of action are our own responsibility, it is a parent's job to prepare the child to make good decisions, which come through process development, not path direction. It isn't easy sometimes to tease the two apart, because it is so much easier to tell what to do, rather than why something should be done and then let the process develop from there.
Smallsteps is whip smart in so many ways, but I also don't know if the conditions I am providing her are what will lead her to the best outcomes for her life. I hope they do and I do what I can, but there is much more to do to provide a home of successful living than going out into the yard and building a snowman.
The funny thing is though, she might remember the snowman, but have no idea about all of the other things that were done in order for her to have the best opportunities in life.
Eventually, I will melt away too. Such is parenthood.
