A couple of years ago. No one Friday morning. Suddenly I got a call that my mother was having a hard time breathing. Emergency needs to be hospitalized.
I ran.
The mother was admitted to the CCU.
Doctor Nurse - Everyone came running! By then I saw on the monitor that the mother's oxygen saturation was rapidly decreasing in the blink of an eye at 98% ..... 92% ... 6% .... 6% ... 85% .... 54% !!
I suppressed all kinds of excitement and said to the doctor in a calm voice, 'Doctor, is my mother dying?' ......
My mother raised our two siblings under a very strict rule. Kina Janina used to beat him a lot as a child because he was a patient of Polar Mood Disorder. 'Very' means very .... b. There was a rule, it can be said that every task was tied to the mother. Sometimes I could not find any reason to love my submissive life.
Honestly, I did not understand the mother's mental illness as a child! I assumed that my mother was more angry than others. I did not have the wisdom to understand how much the mother herself is suffering from the disease!
All in all, I could easily hug my father if anything, I could never hug my mother. On the contrary, the effects of this trauma of my childhood were so significant that one of the strongest beliefs of my life was 'My mother does not love me'! And I may not love him 'enough' either!
When the doctor stood by and said Acute Heart Failure / MI / Ita-ita various things, my childhood began to float in front of my eyes!
That pink sari of my angry mother, the color is a pair of sandals with two laces, sitting outside the school in the scorching sun to get papers, sweat dripping from her forehead, waking up at night in my sickness, feeding on her face.
I was surprised to discover that my imagination was not even real, that my mother was beating me or my mother was talking!
Crowd of doctors in mother's bed! Everyone's eyes on the monitor! I leaned my back against the side wall and tried to keep myself tight. There was a strange wail inside his chest.
..................
Our greatest danger as children is that we have a big time in our lives, we can't see the blood and sweat of our parents, their labor with the naked eye! Stay away from paying the price!
That's right, they do not see! Do not understand that they are suffering. They hide their full love by wearing the mask of fake austerity of the regime.
That's why we get annoyed with their rule, their various expectations lead to disobedience! But it is a strange fact that in the midst of so many things, love may be hidden in an ambush! Time passes as soon as we children understand it properly!
Very few parents in the world are 'bad' parents, 'bad' mothers. Most of the parents are close to the type of struggle! Raising a child with a chest, a back, a belly. Everyone has the same thought- 'Let my child be a human being, stay in milk and rice'!
We eat the best, wear the best clothes in the store, buy the best watch mobile, go on tour with friends! Our parents can not do this! On the contrary, if we want something, they should not do it on our face as much as they are shy!
Do we ever wonder why parents can't be a little selfish when they look at themselves? How much do parents benefit from meeting our expectations and how much do they benefit us?
After becoming a mother myself, I often try to match with surprise, what is the joy of parents in raising a child? My idea is to be able to be a little proud of the children in exchange for everything - all their joy is tied up!
- 'I think you know! My daughter does not draw so well! What can i say '
-'The boy is very good at math '
- 'Come on, Dad! Uncle, listen to that poem and see! '
- 'He never lies'
- 'My baby's mind is very soft!'
That's all!
Even in nightmares, they do not think that we do things in life that people in the society tell them that they are the parents of a 'bad' boy / girl !. … .A 'murderer's parents' / 'parents of scoundrels' / 'parents of bribe takers' / 'parents of thieves' / 'parents of extortionists', 'parents of rapists' is a far cry! I understand that it is less difficult for them to die!
They just want to be 'our' father or mother! Didn't want any more identities!
It is a fact that most of us, as children, have suffered for our parents all our lives. Stay away from repaying the debt of birth, we will never have the good fortune to repay the debt of their single breath.
In life we ​​don't have or have become something huge, at least not something that makes it difficult for them to identify us!
The fact that they are trying so hard to make us big, is it really just a matter of asking too much?
Sometimes I think, if one day suddenly a phone call! If someone shouts from the other side of the phone - 'Your parents are no more in the world! Will you come to see me for the last time ?! '
Which feeling will germinate in our chest first?
When I was ignorant, I thought, I understand the name 'trouble'! Growing up, I now understand, in fact, his name is 'guilt' .... each child has a different kind of guilt about parents!....