You know what, let talk to you about myself and how I always got validated even if I wear a suit or of a uniform, I thought I was doing what was right and got me easily distracted. I was looking for myself too and from a quote "A true man's strength is in his gentleness of heart" and not how well I can show off everytime. Sometimes I look at my life and character and say why was I that type of person, did I actually gain anything from that type of lifestyle... it made me a monster.
So I started to explore what made me not accept people and why wasn't I okay with somebody else work or progress to the point of always picking faults.. to me it represented something much greater than that, all of this made me flare up at different moments, and if you look deeper I wasn't anywhere close with the people I envy. The toughest character should represent a person who is ready to learn, to avoid hate, to avoid temper and to choose to live happy with has already been achieved.
When our perceptions as writers are based on envy and hate around people who are better, we loose character and start portraying things we shouldn't be doing. We didn't realize that those people could serve as a lesson to us, to grow and become better as well.... so instead of castigating others, meet them and talk to them about what you feel in the level you're at presently and they will always be there to help.
So I stated to study masculinity and see how we deal with our ego and what happens is that the people who are tough in your eyes and got the swag, a lot of times those are the ones battling the biggest demons, battling with the most insecurity, battling with the most trauma and pain, going on with the most behind the scenes because we bothered on the inside.
Sometimes what we do to make or cover up what we think is right, is really confusing because that's there and people can see what you do... So in the case where you don't want anything good for anybody except yourself, I think that is the misconception that you must come out of. I tried it and that's my biggest mistake of my life, I would have grown way past what i am now if I had seeked help when I could have.
You know what this makes the most sense in the world, to just seat down and endure pain and put permanent ink on my skin that when i'm much older I could look at myself feeling proud... that is a lie. What was I trying to prove, when I started noticing my insecurity was when I thought I was nothing already...
So what do I do now, I have to be eager to learn rather than course. You can have everything in the world but when you miss character, you won't go far in life. It's never too late to start off once again and be okay if you don't know it better than the next person. I was hit twice that my decisions caught me off guard, everyone hated me even my close friends. That is what I got from choice of life, but all thanks to God I opened my eyes of understanding.
In conclusion
I really missed an opportunity to be better and brighter but I chose to hate. If you live that type of life please you have to stop. Love the creatives that surrounds you even as a writer, you will not go any farther than where you are if you don't see them as one to learn from.. so let your thinking be different from today, choose what is right.
Thank you for reading...
22 October 2021
