The question that changed my life

Hello my dear readers

This is my second article and I didn’t plan to write about this yet, but I've felt really welcoming and pleasure with the platform, so I decided to share with you the story of the question that changed my mindset forever.

A few years ago I felt everything went wrong in my life. My mom was mentally ill and I had to quit my job to take care of her. My relationship was not going well, my father had abandoned us and my relatives didn’t want to help us at all. I always considered my mother so strong but for the first time I realized she was totally depended on me. I was alone and very angry with my family for looking all kind of excuses to not helping us with medicines or at least to support us emotionally. I hated my father for abandoning us. How could he do that if I was the best child and my mother the best wife? My partner only lived to work and had no time for me just when I needed him the most.

All began when my mom suddenly had a panic attack. I took her immediately to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed her with severe depression and chronic anxiety. She followed the treatment to the letter, took pill after pill, but cried everyday and started to isolate herself. Nothing seemed to work. Me, at the same time, was about to have a mental breakdown, but fortunately, I’ve always believed in therapy. In fact, when I was younger I went, but wasn’t constant. This time, I didn't want to fall into depression like my mother. So I looked for a psychologist and decided to go first. I went and just like a bomb about to explode, I started to yell how unfair my father was, how inconsiderate my relatives were, and how insensitive my partner was. I was filled of anger and looking forward to her agreed with every argument I gave and to confirm how mistreated I had been. To my surprise, she only opened her mouth to ask me a question, one that no other therapist had ever asked me and of course, had never crossed to my mind.

The question was: What if you doubt about all that? I was still shaking from so much screaming, so I had to take a long pause to process that. How could I doubt about it? I was quite sure of everything I said. They are all bad and I have been the victim here. Haven't my arguments been enough? Then, she just repeated the question: What if you doubt about all those arguments? How about seeing things differently? Me: And why would I do that? It would be like to agree with them, it would be like saying they're good and have done everything well. It would be like saying I’m wrong. She explained to me: No, when we try to see things differently, from another perspective, it’s not to agree with others; in fact, it’s not about to be right or wrong. Nor it’s to underestimate what we have experienced. It's more related with feeling released, feeling in peace. Isn't that better instead of wanting to be right all the time and living full of anger? Trust me, you don't hurt anyone but yourself. Those you blame for your suffering may or may not care. Maybe they continue living their happy lives while you suffer. Maybe they do care and the more you blame them the more you will push them away from you.

All these words blew my mind! No one had ever told me something so revolutionary, at least, that's how it was for me. Who always tried to find reasons to hate people who did “bad things” to me. Never crossed to my mind that sometimes nobody does anything bad to you, you allow them. Of course, when you are a kid it's more difficult to understand and if those people are your parents it is harder, because we used to assign them a role and a list of obligations. But we forget they are humans too. Who defines that list? When we became adults we can see things clearer.

The therapist added nothing has the power to hurt you. Only you, by placing expectations on what others will do, will feel disappointed. Think about it, if all people were capable of hurt anybody, right now I could harm you by doing the same thing they did to me; but we don't know each other, so probably it won't mean anything to you.

Please, don't get me wrong, I don't mean that we don't must love or develop feelings for anyone. It’s about learning to take roles away from people, regardless the relationship they have with you. Not everyone thinks and feels the same as you do, not everyone has the tools that you have. Most of the time people do the best they can. In any case, even when the "bad" intentions are very evident, we have nothing less but forgive. But not forgive as we are taught. Forgive yourself first for hurting yourself, for blaming others for your feelings. Then (and this is the most difficult part) ask for forgiveness for blaming others, you could do it mentally if you want. After that, if you keep thinking you should forgive for something, try to do it as well.

Little by little I freed myself, yes, you can feel free and full of peace. Sometimes you don't realize the more you hate someone the more prisoner you become of that feeling in your head. You think all the time how much resentment you feel about him, how bad he is and even how to destroy him. Ironically, you are destroying yourself.

I know this is hard to understand, I know it depends on many factors. It can't be the same way for someone who may have experienced more difficult things, inhuman treatment, murder or any other crime. However, the therapist told me she has treated both, crime victims and criminals themselves, and part of the therapy consisted in the same philosophy. I was speechless. This has to work, I thought.

To make a long story short, my mother received therapy and today she is totally healed, she is a new woman. Now that psychologist has become a friend, more than a relative our life mentor.

I'd like to continue this topic on other articles. I'm still dreaming with making a better world by motivating people to take seriously their mental health. I truly believe that if we all could go for psychological help, everyone's life would change for the better, and in the end, society would improve as well. Who knows how many conflicts we could avoid!

Thanks for reading my friends. If you knew about this kind of therapy or have other ways to change your mindset about some hurtful events, please share it with me. Again, this is not my native language, so maybe I had many errors on my writing. Feel free to correct me.

Well, I hope I've inspired you in some way. I’ll be waiting for your comments and appreciate if you let me a Like.