Sometimes, it feels like they want the power in the parent-child relationship, and the harder we try to hold our ground, the more brazen their efforts to rock our sanity and undermine our authority.
It feels manipulative.
And when we interpret children's behavior as manipulative, there are several well-trod but unpleasant paths that we have been taught to follow in our response.
• We feel accosted, so we attack in return, with punishment, heavy disapproval, or isolation.
• We feel unappreciated, so we withdraw our warmth and willingness to connect.
• We feel we need to teach the child a lesson, so we lecture, scold, and dole out unpleasant consequences.
• We tighten our grip on “the controls” in the family, in an effort to stay in charge.
• We become legalistic, and hunt for further transgressions.
In short, the perception that our children are manipulative tends to send us into a highly unpleasant state of mind.
We have less fun as parents.
Our children have less fun too.
We don’t like to tighten up like this, but we’re told that our children have “asked for it,” and that we’re obligated to respond with ever more surveillance, and ever more unpleasant responses. It’s hard to know what else to do!
But, what if children don’t try to manipulate their parents at all?
What if they’re persistently reaching out for the love and connection their minds require in order to function?
Every behavior that departs from playful, flexible, enthusiastic participation in family life has a message for us about a need that, at some time or another, wasn’t met. And those needs go deep.