Bleeding Memory

I took a deep breath in taking in the earthy smell of nature. It was always like this coming back to this chintzy place. I don't know why I even try anymore. Shaking the empty feeling building up inside me aside, I took out my key. It felt rustic in my hand. As if I could trace the years on it.

I inserted the key in the door, and it opened with a creaking sound and woodsy moldy scent greeting me. A wave of nausea hit me as the dappled walls came in sight, threatening to destroy the thick shield of the wall I have built around myself over the years.

I swayed a little, but gathering myself I did not let my steps halt me.

Today I will get this done and over with. Fuelling my determination once again I ordered my wobbly legs to stop shaking and start walking. After a minute or so taken to compose myself, I finally focused my gaze enough to look around at the prismatic walls. t had been years, years since I had been doing this. But the nausea and dreariness never fail to overtake me. It felt as if my body just wanted to sag into a puddle of pity whenever I came back here. As I looked around my childhood home no more feeling the lemony smell, the cerise walls now turned caramel, the house that was once a home, I can't help the tears that form in my eyes. Had it really been 4 years since that accident? Because as soon as I set a foot in here it seems like it was just yesterday.

The years had weighed down on the house. What was once a nest of laughter was now reduced to a graveyard of silence. Deafening silence. I paused in front of the all familiar claret door, now a distorted mess, waiting for my nerves to hit me again. Surprisingly, this time they don't. Maybe I am finally ready to face this.

I opened the room to find a sight that just shattered me again. I thought I was ready for this but apparently, I wasn't. But then again, I wouldn't ever be. This room, it still had all its sunshine shining in its hazel beauty. The room was weary, the ivory wallpaper seeming to come off at places, but it still had the comforting citrusy scent. The scent of love, care and my mother. I strolled inside the room, tracing the walls, feeling for any signs of life.

But all that was left was silence that echoed through my pain. I felt my heart burning, but this time the glassy drops did not grace my face.

It had been four years. Four years since I lost my mother to a car accident. The person who made me who I am today. When I think about it, it still doesn't feel real. After all, I can still feel her bubbly laughter repelling through the walls over a silly joke I cracked. I can still hear her posh voice laced with honey, telling me about all the wonderful things that existed in the world. I can still see her making those silly paper boats, her soft feathery hands laced with a harshness unique to a mother, folding the paper.

It had taken me four years to just open this room. The feeling of pain crocheted in me was numbing at first. It was a welcome pleasure. But as it wore off, I could feel it eat away at my soul.

I had finally willed myself enough to come around this time. Because it had been a hard and long four years, but I was ready to get some of my mother's things back.

Caroline was a woman you did not mess with. She was a woman I was reminded of every single day, because she was there when I looked in the mirror, turquoise-teal eyes staring back at me. She was there when I touched things, my olive skin reminding me of her beautiful one. She was there when I combed my sepia curls, tangling out the messy parts of her own. She was always there with her amber scent surrounding me.

Even if she raised me alone she never let me feel anything other than love for a single minute. She was the embodiment of power but was encrusted with kindness. She had a presence that would shy away even crimson vermilion beauties. She loved me to every bone in her body and I felt for her the same.

As I think over it, now it feels like that searing pain that once froze my heart is such a distant memory. I would have never thought that I would be able to reminisce about her and feel anything other than pain.

But time truly heals, if not fully recovers.

I pack away the few things I found scattered around in the room. Her cashmere tan sweater, and the silvery-scarlet scarf she loved to wear.

I feel a sense of pride for I made through this ordeal without becoming a sobbing mess again, but then I came to a halt, my eyes glazing over in an instant. A broken voice escapes my throat as the things I gathered so far fall from my hands to the floor.

There at my feet laid a whitish paper boat. I crouched down, tenderly picking the boat as if it would disappear at any moment.

I thought I could do this, but it seems like I can't. The paper boat flooded me back with all the memories of my mother. The memories that I had buried somewhere deep in my mind.

I looked at the lifeless object cushioned in the safety of my hands and said, "Caroline, I hope you are doing well. I am sorry it took me so long, but I loved you. I love you with all my heart. And I will always love you. Please be in peace wherever you are."

Swallowing back my cries, I got up to my feet. I walked to the granular window, the place she loved so dearly. She said it made her feel free, the wind making her dance on her feet. I placed the paper boat at the umber window sill, looking at it adorning the darn place.

I picked up the things scattered on the floor and made my way to the door. For the last time I turned around and whispered to the paper boats wishing for her to hear, "Goodbye Caroline."

As I went out, I placed the box aside on the gravelly step and took my key out to lock the door for the last time. Two arms enveloped around me, warmth surrounding me.

My eyes instantly closed, reveling in the warmth. As the familiar lavender smell and the soft flocculent sweater surrounded me, all weight left my body.

"I think I told you not to come Sean?", I said, unable to hide the pleasure in my voice at his arrival.

He twirled me around in his arms and burrowed my face in his neck, and said with disbelief, love and a hint of sadness clear in his voice," When have I ever followed your commands Carol? Did you really think I wouldn't come?"

Unable to hold back anymore, and no more wanting to, I fully broke apart in his hands that held me tightly like a blanket wrapped around me caressing me. After several minutes passed, I stopped crying and a silence stretched between us. But it was a warm silence, welcome to my ears. He held me for some more minutes and then finally released me.

As his thumb lightly wiped away the left-over tears he whispered," Did you say your goodbyes?"

I nodded, which earned me a beautiful smile in return."As you did a great thing today, I have a present for you. Close your eyes.", Sean said now excitement and uneasiness clear in his body.

I gave a free laugh but without arguing did as I was told. He took my wrist and I felt cold metal touch my skin. I gasped, butterflies filling my stomach, waiting to open my eyes. He said," Open them."

All the air left my lungs as I laid my eyes on the bracelet now adorning and owning my wrist.

It was a terracotta bracelet that had many small opalescent paper boats hanging down from it. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Amidst my silent sobs, I hugged him, no more wanting him to see my crying face. I said amidst muffled cries," You love to make my c-cry, don't you? Why are you so perfect Sean? Gosh. I-I love you so much."

He hugged me back, understanding my overwhelming fragile thoughts. Was I over the death of my mother? No, I wasn't. Maybe I would never be. But was I willing to move forward with my life with this incredibly beautiful human hugging me? Yes, yes I was.

As I looked down at the refined bracelet, I realised I might never be the same again. But it was okay. It will be okay. Things change and I will push through this too. Caroline might have left me physically, but she will always stay alive in my heart and now her presence will always surround me in the form of this bracelet.

I looked up and a soft kiss brushed against my lips. And just like that I was reminded again, I am not alone. I will learn to let go with time, but for now, I can just be me.