How can we regain trust in broken relationships? Here are nine steps to start you on the path.

Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Yet, it's often much easier to lose trust than it is to gain it. When we think about broken trust many of us jump to infidelity, but relationships have ample opportunity to encounter situations that break trust. 

Yes, cheating impacts trust in a relationship, but so does mismanaging money, hiding family secrets, trying something new sexually without consent (even if married) or becoming aggressive during an argument – just to name a few. We may no longer trust that our partner is honest, faithful, will do what they say or has our best interest at heart.  

So how do we regain trust?

Steps to repair broken trust in a relationship

Gain clarity: It's important to have an honest conversation about where and how the trust was broken or lost. Both individuals should have an opportunity to speak and share their perspectives. Respecting each other's views is a helpful first step in understanding the relationship dynamic. 

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Take responsibility: It's important for everyone involved to understand what they need to take responsibility for. If no one takes responsibility, there is no chance for mending broken trust. 

Decide if you're willing to work on the relationship. Repairing trust is not for the faint-hearted. It's hard and often painful. It's important to decide if we want to try or not. If we are not genuinely willing to try, our effort (as well as the effort of our partner) will be in vain. 

Ask for what you need. Expressing needs is key. It sets in motion the plan for reconciliation. What do you need in order to trust again? And, potentially, what does the other person need in order to not make the mistakes again? Some examples include therapy or better boundaries. 

Follow-though. Communication without action won't do the trick. We need to see alignment between words and actions. Trusting the other person can start with being able to trust that they will do as they say. 

Practice consistency. Consistency is a wonderful way to build trust. Being consistent will create new habits that can benefit the relationship. 

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Be honest. Rebuilding trust without honesty is impossible. We need to be honest with one another about what happened, what we need and how the process is going. 

Choose to forgive. This is arguably one of the hardest steps for many. At the beginning of reconciliation, one or both people will explain what they need in order to trust again. Now the important part is not to keep moving the goal post. If you gave a set of needs, it may not be fair to keep adding more expectations. There has to be a point where you will choose to trust this person. Holding a grudge is detrimental to any relationship dynamic. 

Be vulnerable. I was wrong, maybe this is the hardest step? The level of our vulnerability dictates the degree of our intimacy. At some point, both individuals need to be willing to be vulnerable again – take the risk of being hurt. There is no relationship without risk. 

What if I still can't trust my partner?

If the willingness to work on the relationship is there but you struggle to navigate the reconciliation, it may be helpful to seek professional help.

A trained professional can help couples not just move forward but potentially gain a deeper understanding of what happened, why it happened and how to ensure it does not happen again.

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