Am I Stronger Now Or I Just Need To Be Stronger?

This was the question I've been asking myself now.

After all that has happened to my family and even to the world, "Am I stronger now or I am just pretending to be stronger"?

2021 was the year I considered the worst year of my life. Never have I imagined that one of my loved ones passed away. My mother. Unexpected but like what I usually said, I know God has a reason for taking her.

COVID-19 is still here with multiple variants as time passed by. This is the longest pandemic that the whole world encounter. We don't know when will it vanished or will it exists in our lives. Hope not.

Unemployment was the biggest effect of Covid-19. I considered myself to one of the unemployed people in the world. For people like me who depends on daily salary, it is hard when you don't have any penny. We need a stable job and of course, a healthy body nowadays.

Anxiety and depression also exists because of the pandemic. People who suffered the disease were isolated from their family which some never experienced it.

Imagined being alone inside your room or in different house for 10-14 days. No one to talk to personally. Mobile phones is a great help but companion is needed in times of sickness.

Am I Stronger Now?

Sometimes I think that I am stronger now because I can survive everyday but with the help of my family. I helped in our daily chores from morning to night. I can do things I am not doing before. Aside from taking care of my son, I also managed doing the dishes and washing the clothes.

I can say that I am stronger physically.

Now that I have no work, I have more time to help at home. But of course, I still need work to survive for my son and family.

I Just Need To Be Stronger?

But deep inside, I felt I am just pretending to be strong.

There are still things that I missed so much about my mother. There is a part of missing her everyday.

The times when we were eating together at night where we both drink coffee.

Those times when I was working from home and my mother and my son were sleeping in our sofa bed and once my mother woke up, I will talk to her even about work.

Even I knew she didn't understand but she was just there to listen.

Those times we quarrel a lot like those times I don't want the food in our meal. but at the end, I will still talk to her and she will cook the food I want.

Those times when we were just doing our separate task which is mostly using gadgets. We might not be talking to each other but as kong as my family is complete at home, that is more important.

The loneliness I am feeling almost happens at night. The darkness is reflecting the depression I am feeling.

I am not sure If I am the only one missing my mother at home. This occurs when we are only few at home. Silence is causing loneliness at home.

Once I go to the toilet to take a bath, I will begin crying. I cannot cry out loud because I don't want anyone hearing me.

I just want to cry out. For me, it helps when I am releasing my tears together with my emotions.

I actually want to talk to a person whom I can confide all my emotions and sorrows. Person I can release all the heavy loads in my mind.

I can feel that the pain in my mind is still here with me which is why it is easy for me to cry whenever I remember my moments with my mother.

Maybe God molded me to be strong because of that. I used to depend everything to my mother when she was still here. Now, I need to help myself.

My Final Say

I may be trying to be strong and for sure I will be stronger with God's help and my family as well.

Experiences makes me strong too. Nothing will help us more but only ourselves.

I know that most of us needs to be stronger especially this tough times. It's either we are strong or we are just pretending to be strong, that is fine. At the end of the day, we will learn to be stronger.

Thank you and have a nice day.