Chapter 1
NOTE: This is chapter one of my best-selling book which can be purchased on Amazon at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XGL8FPP
A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK
“The body is designed to repair itself when it gets sick, and we have clear evidence that those who nurture their bodies, minds, and spirits while staying hopeful and believing in their ability to get well are more likely to be cured. It’s important to your body that we all remain optimistic and that your mind and body stay as relaxed as possible, because only in this state of relaxation can your body fight off the cancer [illness]” ~ Mind Over Medicine, by Dr. Lissa Rankin
They turned me inside out. I filled a bunch of tubes with blood for blood tests, had all kinds of X-rays, the works! They literally tied me to a table and a very long needle went into my spine. They wanted to inject a contrast fluid, while they photographed it flowing up and down my spine to find the tumor at the base of the brain. If it flowed freely, it meant there was no tumor. When the liquid entered my body I freaked, I yelled: hot burning liquid was being spilled down the inside of my legs.
“Relax,” the doctor said, brushing off my fear, “it’s nothing; it will pass.” There was no compassion for a panicked girl. Then they rotated the table to a vertical position, with my head towards the floor, so that I was completely upside down. They moved me around like a doll, being careful that the substance didn’t go into the brain, because that would cause bad migraines. The frustrated doctor didn’t find what he was expecting. Nothing!
Because they found no tumor in the brain or anywhere else and nothing alien along the spinal cord, they had to start a new search to find a reason for this crisis. So another appointment was made at the same hospital for the following week. Now they wanted to determine what part of the brain was not functioning.
They explained the test to me. They were going to insert a needle into every muscle with the hope of determining which part of the brain was not functioning properly. Like acupuncture! I thought. Easy. I was familiar with acupuncture and had pleasant memories of prior treatments at a doctor friend’s lovely office in the lushness of Tepoztlán, Mexico. I can easily and even pleasantly deal with that, I thought with some relief!
My friend S took me to the hospital and waited outside for me with my mom. The doctor who was going to perform the test (a very nice guy, I found) actually said to me that he really disliked working with patients and having to cause them pain. He preferred research, he said.
He explained that he had to insert a needle into the heart of every muscle, that the needle was connected to a computer that would measure the electrical connection between the particular muscle and the brain and draw a map of the brain’s function. Then the test started. Torture!
This was not the hair-fine needle used in acupuncture; it was a needle the width of a toothpick, pushed deeply into the core of each muscle. The doctor would then ask me to move the part of the body he was testing, move it this way and that way, squeeze, tense, relax it… and then he would continue with the next muscle. It was a nightmare!
He started with my right arm. When he got to the hand I was in tears, in panic! He caressed my cheek, apologizing.
Do you know how many muscles our hand has? 34 muscles that move the fingers and thumb: 17 in the palm of the hand, and 18 in the forearm. That meant 34 needles in my little hand.
My mother often used to measure her long pianist’s hands against mine and say, “Such little hands you have!” Little,
yes, yet with so many chances to be poked! Testing my right arm and hand alone took two hours.
The poor doctor released me after that, probably out of sheer pity. He had not found any dysfunction so far. I only remember leaving his office emotionally wrecked and completely collapsing into my friend’s arms, sobbing for a long time.
Even now, as I am writing and my body remembers, tears come to my eyes again. Needless to say, I have hated needles ever since, although I was actually destined to go through so many more treatments that included needles. I never did return to that doctors’ office to finish the test; it was a torture that I was not willing to endure. Five more years elapsed before another neurologist finally came up with my diagnosis.
Rio Abierto—Very Early Symptoms
Several months before my first big attack, I experienced a single episode that was a little taste of what was to come. As usual, it had been a good class. I loved this movement class at the institute, where a lovely woman led us through free-flowing movement a couple of days a week. The class usually made me feel exactly that, free and flowing. I loved going to Rio Abierto, Open River. It made my heart and body sing. I was healthy and whole then.
A friend picked me up and, as soon as I got into the car, asked me a simple question: where should we go for lunch? My mind was clear, and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. But I just couldn’t articulate anything. What came out of my mouth was gibberish. She asked again and I tried harder to give an answer, but my brain simply would not comply.
She must have seen the panic in my eyes, because, without even parking, she got out of the car, leaving it practically in the middle of the busy avenue, and led me back into the studio. The teacher, Alicia, took me into one of the cubicles and started doing her craft: smoke and fire, aromas of deep incense and needles.
She did acupuncture at the ends of my fingers and between my toes and then lit a fat cigar-like stick of a smelly substance made of herbs. Moxa, she called it. She brought the glowing smoky stick to the edge of my fingernails. The heat of this aromatic stick brought me back to sanity and I was able to talk sense again.
That was a very scary moment. It was one of the scares that my body gave me, long before it became a full-blown syndrome. It was just a strange thing that happened one day, totally disconnected from anything else, in the middle of my perfectly normal life… or so I thought!
The panic I experienced, thinking I was losing my mind or having a stroke, was sheer anguish. If only I’d had then the survival tools I have now. Fear and panic are two of the hardest things we have to deal with and overcome in life, especially when faced with illness.
For moments of deep fear, let me share this extremely effective and useful tool for building resilience.
Tip # 1: The Butterfly Hug
This technique is an amazing tool to help you let go of heavy emotions or prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by stress, grief, shock or trauma. It is part of the EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) process and has been successfully utilized by practitioners worldwide, especially to help children soothe their disturbing emotions in the aftermath of trauma from war and natural disaster.
How It Is Done
Cross your arms over your chest and tap on each shoulder (or arm) alternating in a rhythmic way. This is called bi-lateral stimulation. By rhythmically alternating the tapping on both sides of the body, you help the brain process the disturbing memories (and the overwhelming emotions that those memories evoke) so that the information can be stored in a better, more functional and calmer way.
Here is the process in stages:
a) Cross your arms across your chest as if you were giving yourself a hug. Each one of your hands lands on the opposite shoulder or arm.
b) Notice your upsetting emotion, whatever it may be (sadness, fear, anger) and score it from 0=neutral to 10=extreme distress, in order to be able to track it and watch it shift.
c) Start tapping alternately on each side (each shoulder or arm) for about 20 seconds while focusing on the negative feelings, the image, or the negative thoughts that come up and that you want to release. After about 20 seconds or pairs of taps, stop and take a deep breath.
Ask yourself again, on a scale from 0 to 10, how bad is the distress now? You will find that the level of intensity may go up at first, and then it will gradually start to go down.
Keep doing this until you feel the level of intensity drop to a significantly lower level. Depending on the emotions you are dealing with and the reason you are experiencing them, you may even notice that the emotion completely disappears.
For many people it is easier to learn through watching it done, so here it is for you to watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymSOKmWcjNU
This is a very simple way to process and soothe difficult emotions. You could use it as a family or group activity/process, sharing it with children or family members who are going through some traumatic or painful event. You will benefit doubly as you soothe the difficult emotions as a family or group and also share this bonding activity.
There is a slightly different way to do the Butterfly Hug:
Facing the palms of your hands toward you, slide one hand across the other until they are hooked at the thumbs. When you move your fingers it is like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. Now place the butterfly at the center and over your chest.
By alternating the flapping of the butterfly wings, you will be tapping on the acupuncture points located right under your collarbone. Those points are directly related to grief, anxiety, fear, depression and trauma.
Notice how different you feel at the end of a few sets of this alternating tapping (20-30 repetitions per set). Repeat it as often as you feel the need. Remember to breathe in a prolonged and smooth rhythm.
Let me show you:
https://www.shulamitlando.com/the-butterfly-hug-1a/
Pearl of Wisdom:
“Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, grievances and resentments, and choose the miracle.” ~ Deepak Chopra