When He Left Us

Its really hard to loss someone you love. You would probably feel a terrible sense of loss. Sometimes, it will just happened. It would come as natural or some as unanticipated/accidental. You can't get through life without experiencing loss, but the question is how do we live with loss? I go through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and the most hard is the acceptance. Here's the story of my father. (pictures below were taken from internet)

Maybe about 4 years ago, he felt a sudden pain on his lower back. We didn't think he has kidney problem or what. So, we just have him go to an elderly healer for a massage or known as "hilot" since he slipped in a surface at the mountain and fell down. He was a drunkard person. Like almost everyday, he got drunk. Until, he got hospitalized for 3 times. The findings was, his liver swell as well as his spleen causing problem of his blood too. It happened when I was in college, we suffered from serious poverty. My elder brother had to quit from study and was forced to just work to support us. My mom sell viand, and anything for snacks too. It was literally hard sometimes you can think of just giving up. Though it came to my mind, I also think of my parents and my younger sibling. We're 6 in the family: my parents and my 3 brothers. Instead of giving up, we worked hard and fight altogether coz problems are just problems.

To make the story short, I graduated college. Some graduated with honor's; I'm just honored to graduate. 😊🎓 Inspite of all the hardships and trial life had brought to us we still make it. 😇

My father had frequent hospitalizations. I got a job. Our oldest graduated as well and I was able to send my younger brother to college. He's now in 2nd yr.

My father got his second surgery- in spleen. It was too risky but my father was very determined to have it. We think that he got better little by little until one day, he got back and forth fever. When I got home he had fever. He got okay after few hrs. After a week he got a fever again. Since I'm working next our municipality due to power supply. We always have power outages like multiple times in day.

I came home in the last week of August. Sunday morning, he even took a bath. Like he appeared so fine for me. Since he doesn't speak much words after his surgery, he will just smile as sign of greetings and saying okay. He smiled at me that day. He even had his breakfast,his morning walk, and he even looked at mom while she feed our piggy.

The last words I said before I left home is "I love you, papa with a kiss on his forehead". I would never think that he will be leaving us on the next day😔

Monday, my elder brother(kuya) had his pictorial. Mom, never mentioned to me that father had a fever again. She asked kuya to come home. At exactly 8:30 pm, he left us😭💔 I came home the next day, I was at his bedside, I was there to hold his hands, massage his forehead and wanting to hug and kiss him. Praying he'll come back. But he didn't. We had the conversations we wanted to have. I want to spend more time with him. He's only 47 yrs old😭

It was so terribly sad. I was reeling. The pain and grief, I can't imagine how can we accept it. I cannot give him the life I always wanted him to have. A comfortable life: a nice house, his dream four wheels, and the life which we won't worry for food and bills anymore. I loss the person which I draw my strength from to fight the adversities in life. Seems like my dream were shattered. I asked God to bring him back to life though I know I don't have the right to but still I did. It was so painful.

As weeks passed by, we getting used to live without him🥺. We were able to get to use it by staying close to those who inspires us, we focus on our family and of course ourselves. And now we are planning to go on the beach for swimming. I also managed to balance my life and work. Working while heart broken isn't easy. Specially in a call center industry. I have to be happy in each calls. I am now trying to stride back in line after falling over. ❤️My greatest appreciation to those friends who stayed with me during my falling period.

What I learned about it is, I learned to control my emotion. I'm a breadwinner in the family. I have to be strong for them. I want them to see me as someone strong, so they'll be strong too. My family was my inspiration, we lost our pillar of the home, still my family remains my inspiration. There's nothing to be changed. The memories, love and care that we shared with our father remains in our hearts and it'll always be remembered. I know he's now in a good hands now, in heaven with God.

I hope that each and everyone who also lost someone they love will find reasons to remain strong because no matter how we grief, they'll never come back to life. The only thing we can do is to pray for them. Godspeed!

P. S. I'm a person who's been having difficulty in expressing my thoughts and emotions specially when I'm in pain. Hopefully, it will be a good start for me. Happy Tuesday everyone!