Sexual intimacy: differences in men and women
Men and women are different in several ways. God never built them to think alike nor act alike. Men being created by God before women are natural leaders. Women were created out of a man as a companion so a man wouldn't be alone. Therefore it's safe to say women are there to stand as a support system. The men are meant to provide, teach, protect and lead. When it comes to intimacy between a man and a woman in a marriage, there are areas where men differ from women which I'll be discussing below
First sexual need:
The sexual needs for men are physically based. When the seminal vesicles stores the sperm continually produced by the gonads, there is a physical push for a release. The release happens either by natural emission, masturbation, or intercourse.
For the females, the sexual needs tend to be more rooted in her emotions, her desire to feel loved. If there is no emotional intimacy, she may have little interest in sexual intimacy. If she feels loved, she will want to be physically intimate with her husband who loves her. Because men’s needs tend to be physically based, he has a regular desire for sexual release whether or not things are right emotionally in the relationship. While the female's desire for sexual intercourse is tempered by her hormonal cycle. It is far more influenced by her emotional and intellectual relationship with her husband.
This means that the husband must learn to communicate his love and care for her in ways that are meaningful to her. He must learn to speak her primary love language regularly. Without such emotional intimacy, he cannot expect her to be as responsive sexually as he may be.
The second difference is in arousal patterns:
Men are sexually stimulated by sight to a far more degree than women. Women are stimulated by tender touch, kind words, acts of service, quality time, depending on their love language. The implication of this difference for her husband are that he must not expect his wife to be as interested in sexual intercourse as he is when he has been stimulated by sight. Men are not very discriminating in the female object that stimulates them meaning that they may be stimulated by an unknown female he sees on the road, on tv, or in front of them. Such stimulation is not sinful but it may quickly turn to lust. A Christian husband must keep his heart and mind focused on his wife only.
According to Martin Luther we cannot keep a bird from flying over our head but we can keep it from building a nest in our hair. Similarly, the Christian husband cannot keep all sexual thoughts from flashing across his mind but he must not deed those thoughts
The husband is responsible for having eyes only for his wife and the wife who understands the nature of the husband's sexual arousal will understand the purpose of keeping herself attractive physically.
Lastly sexual responses:
The male’s physical and emotional response tends to be fast and explosive whereas the female's response tends to be slow and lasting. They both do not reach climax at the same time during sexual intercourse. Many couples enter marriage with the idea that it is normal to have simultaneous climaxes or orgasms every time during sexual intercourse. Understanding these differences will help both partners attain sexual fulfillment in marriage. Some who do not understand or know that these differences exist may start to think of other things which may cause problems in the marriage.
Ways to achieve sexual oneness
Sexual oneness means that both husband and wife are finding the sexual part of the marriage mutually satisfying. One of the ways to achieve this is through commitment. Commitment is not limited to simply staying in the marriage but giving ourselves to each other sexually. Don't deprive one another except in cases when you agree to devote yourselves to prayers. Commitment says we will continue to grow together until both of us find mutual fulfillment in the sexual part of our marriage.
Another one is through communication. Sexual intimacy is the result of a relationship and a relationship is fostered by communication. If couples do not keep the lines of communication open throughout the day- sharing in each other's lives intellectually, emotionally, and socially by hearing, and being heard, understanding, and being understood, they cannot expect sexual intimacy. If couples take time to hear each other expressing interest in each other's experiences and feelings throughout the day, they create a climax in which sexual intimacy can flourish.
Couples must also communicate with each other about their sexual experiences. Because of the differences that exist, couples can't expect to find mutual fulfillment if they don't openly discuss their needs with each other. Couples must take time to share what brings them pleasure in the sexual experience and what discourages their sexual excitement.
Another way to achieve sexual oneness is through love. Love is both an attitude and an emotion. When couples choose to love and express it in practical ways, they create a climate where sexual intimacy can grow.
Lastly, privacy. This is a challenge most couples face. Having children around has affected them in a way that they don't have private time together. Lack of privacy has led some couples to a greatly diminished sexual relationship. Couples should always find time to share life sexually even if they have children.
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