End of the Depressing Era... Or Not?

Hello, reader. I hope you are well while reading this. You may have clicked on this article because the title piqued your interest. I'm not sure how to start this off since my mind is still racing with several issues in my life, but here I am, typing on my keyboard, Writing from my gut, being honest about how I feel, and all in between. So, here it goes...

This all started when I left my comfort zone. At first, I felt I was fine with everything, just sitting in that comfortable position and doing nothing to get out. Accepting the bare minimum and believing that was all I deserved in life. On the opposite side of my planet, a planet of fairytales and illusions, I am lovingly cared of. I got all my heart desires, but it is illegal, or more precisely, illicit, and this is the reason of my delusional world's conflict. Creating a state of chaos and wreckage.

I was talking with a friend and she asked how my life was doing, so I opened up to her a little. It's not that I don't trust her, but I'm not sure whether she understands my predicament. She noticed that I want to go out of my comfort zone but don't know how. She told me what words I needed to hear. I don't have to settle for less, I don't have to be content in one spot without growing, and I don't have to carry out everything by myself.

So, a few days later, I dug a large tunnel to escape that zone by dumping a massive bomb. It made an enormous hole through that gigantic wall that we had built for years, and everything collapsed. It has an unexpected effect on both the inside and outside of that wall. I was shocked to find out that the rest of the world had been impacted as well, and it was all my fault. Not only that, but those who I anticipated to help me along the journey abandoned me, leaving me hurt and betrayed.

That chaos lasted for a while. I walked outside that wall alone. Trying to build something new, but it isn't easy. I'm also trying to repair anything beyond that wall, but it leaves damaged patches that I don't know how to polish.

And then I met someone on the roadway; we laughed a lot, flirted a lot, and chatted about our personal lives. I have no intention of getting romantically involved with him, and neither does he. Our situation is clear to both of us. It's like being in a relationship but with no label, no pressure, just enjoying each other's company.

I'm new to this type of situation, and I'm not the sort of girl to easily give in, but I was vulnerable and sad at the moment, as well as comfortable with that person, so I jumped in. I admit that I am enjoying it... It's usually ecstatic at first. Well, that's how it is.

A minor disagreement arose; regrettably, he is unable to handle me. He said that my every emotion is too much for him, thus he is tiptoeing away from me. He's stupid! He could have just said that to me. Instead of slowly fading away, he could have just communicated with me, thanking me for everything I did for him and the time I spent with him. Because if I were him, I will surely appreciate everything.

He made me feel unwanted, easy, slut, thrown away, or any adjective you can think of. I'm very upset with him. Really. I told him from the beginning that if he meets another girl and wants to end this thing, he should just tell me. I can swiftly move from pseudo-girlfriend to close friend, but then he chose to be obnoxious. Really fucking stupid.

It has been months, and I am still in pain, not because I love him or anything. I want him to regret what he did to me, but it seems like he doesn't care. He frequently lurks in my window, and I'm not sure if he's just passing through or is inquisitive about what's going on with me. It's comforting to know he's still there, existing, watching me, have no idea that I am just drowning in false thoughts. While he's there, happy with someone else.

Now I'm repeating history. Stuck in a comfort zone that I wish I could leave. At the same time, I'm striving to love myself more. Showing everyone that I am now fixed, joyful, and free of any worries. But deep down, I'm longing for something. I'd been wanting freedom for years. For the time being, I'm trusting God with everything. I pray He forgives me for everything I've done and still doing, and by then I'll be truly happy.