Regrets? But I learned a lesson now.

But before you decide, I just want you to know that I love you, this is not a good bye."

“I’m sorry." I said to him for the last time.

I was at home, it was my sister's birthday May 23, 2020, I got a Facebook friend request, I stalked the account and after a few minutes, I accepted the friend request. Based on his pictures He is handsome and His smile and his eyes is attractive, I received a message from him after I accepted him, we talked that time for a long time, even though we were both strangers to each other. We chat each other every day, we shared our own stories, then from chat, he started to video call me, he is so kind and I feel that.

I started to ask myself why I feel happy every time I talk to him, why I seem to start liking this guy. Why I am so excited every time he sends his voice message, are this people called love? Honestly I have ideal type of age of a guy that I want which is 22, a three years age gap between us, I want a matured guy and at the same time a kind and a loving person to his family. It's almost 3 months since I talked to him every day, I know that I was already in love with this guy, I now know the feeling of being in love with someone, but I just keep it to myself Because I'm not ready to tell him What I feel , I'm afraid of getting hurt and maybe losing our friendship because of that. Aug. 15 I was shocked when he told me that he likes me, I do not know what to do about his confession, I was happy and at the same time worry. A few days later I decided to tell him that I feel the same way as he feel towards me. I can't deny that I already fall in love with him.

Aug. 21 it's official, I can't imagine how I felt, he's so caring, he always show to me how he love me, I can feel it, he's so honest, I just can't believe how lucky I am that I met some one that will like and love me more than he's self, I'm really thank full for that. Even we’re not together, that we live in different country. A week's later I found out that he is a doctor, a young doctor; I just can't believe that he is actually a doctor, and in fact I was thinking that why I didn't ask him about what he's doing in life. Then he said that "I didn't really tell you that I'm a doctor and I'm from a wealthy family because, I want someone who will love me for real not just what I have, I'm sorry for lying." My mind went blank I don't know that he is from a wealthy family, and beside I told myself that "why would I do that? I'm not like that beside I fell in love with him first after I found out that he is from a wealthy family. “I actually said that to myself.

I was shocked when he told me about his planning to meet me in person, i was happy when he told me about that, and I'm worried because my family don't know about this, they don't want me to get in any relationship because I'm still studying. They want me to finish my studies and get a job before I make any relationship with someone. "Then I will wait." He told me that. I started to think that is this real? What if He’s not sincere and he's only telling me that for no reason, what if he's lying now? What if this is all a joke? I’m afraid, afraid to get hurt, I’m afraid of what will my family tell me about this if they found out.

One day I decided not to talk to him. I ignore every message, every call from him; I don't know if this is the right thing to do, I decided to end what we have. "I’m sorry but ..." I can't tell him because I don't really want to, I loved him, I do, but it's about my family so I have to. "Sorry for what?" He asks." I'm sorry but I don't love you anymore. "I replied and my tears start to flow, seeing the tear drops on my phone screen." Why? “He asks. It’s just a simple short word but I don't know what to say. “Let’s stop this, don't talk to me anymore." I said to him. “Do you love me?” “Yes at first but not anymore." That's what I say to him my first time to lied about my feelings, I can't hold my tears that time, I do loved him, I want to say that but I can't. “I’m sorry." He said. “For what?” You don't have to say sorry." I said to him “But still, I'm sorry for anything, if I hurt you without knowing it." My heart aches, I feel guilty about what I've done, I can't tell him that it's a lie, I was hurting him I feel sorry about him he's been so nice and care about me, but this is the way for ending what we have, ending between us. “We can fix this; we don't have to do this." "Just tell me what the problem is?" He said. " The problem is not you, it's me I don't want to hurt you but I guess I did, I'm sorry I don't mean it, but thank you for what you've done for me, for loving me." I said those words to him, I know it was bad, I hurt him I know that, but it's only the choice I know. “I know what you feel, but please don't do this, please." I keep telling him that I don't want him anymore to be part of my life, I keep telling him sorry that day, I keep telling him words that I knew that it will hurt him, I keep telling him those words that I don't want to say but I did, I was feel guilty and sorry for him. I just hurt the heart of someone that I care, someone that I've been in love, I can't forget his eyes with tears, his calming voice trying to understand me and telling me we can fixed it but I decided not to. I felt his sadness. September 16 it happens, the end of our story.

“But before you decide, I just want you to know that I love you, this is not a good bye." I still remember those words, the last words I've received from him but only sorry that I said to him. I still hear his voice, I still seeing his perfect smile and his beautiful eyes every time I close my eyes, I still miss him. I realize that I just decide for myself, I just realize that I just did it for myself the fact that i just did it without knowing that it will hurt him, I just realize that I’m only thinking and cared about myself that time, I feel guilty about what I've done, I didn't trust him, I didn't fight for what I feel, I didn't fight for us, and I regret that I didn't fight for him. It was a lesson to me that it’s a trust need when someone is in love, and the thing that no matter what if you love him don’t waste it. It’s sad that I made a decision to let go from him and break our promises to each other. Hoping that true love never dies.