Funny, Hollyweird is Remaking "The Wizard of Oz"

Seriously, folks. The 1939 flick won an Academy Award for Judy Garland's Best Original Song (Over the Rainbow), but lost out to "Gone With the Wind" for Best Picture.

New Line Cinema, owned by Warner Bros and AT&T, with a 51% ownership by Chinese investors CMC, are fronting the yuan for the new film, but have released few details, so I thought I’d take a humorous crack at the revamped characters.

The tornado that sweeps Dorothy away and over the rainbow will be the result of the adverse effects of anthropological climate change on the planet. We were warned. Now our collective passing of flatulence and failure to adhere to a rigid vegan diet has come home to roost. Tom Brady will fly by the window during the F5 whirlwind with his 7th Lombardi Trophy. It simply has to be in the script.

The once magical Yellow Brick Road will no longer exist. Sorry. Instead, and since yellow is likened to xenophobia, a simple paved road with white lines will suffice. Billboards of corporate entities will remind viewers to buy things they don’t need.

Dorothy will be one of the 91 and counting genders of our contemporary times. Her wardrobe will change from jeans and a tank-top to an exquisite polka dot Louis Vuitton gown, dependent on the scene, replete with corporate sponsored logos. Her hair will be strictly butch style, dyed pink upon a bleached blonde foundation.

And those ruby red slippers? Not happening. Since they are red and remind people of Orange Man Bad, the color red is nixed nixed. Instead the slippers will be regular house slippers and a dull Navy gray.

Sporty, yeah?

This will remind viewers of the dark winter ahead.

The Scarecrow will have attention deficit disorder which will be the ultimate reason for his confusion.

He will identify as bisexual, have the hots for the Tin Man, and be gently plucked from the field when approaching the Wicked Witch’s castle to rescue Dorothy by our evolutionary ancestors.

The latter will have cameo voiceovers by Tom Hanks and an AI Robin Williams. It’ll be bananas.

The Tin Man will no longer be metallic. I know, sad. We do have to conserve precious metals and recycle. Therefore, Tin Tin the Other will be constructed of Reynold’s aluminum foil, painted lime green, and be energy efficient to combat the above-mentioned climate change.

There will be no need to lubricate him with that bad oil. He will receive triple-bypass heart surgery upon reaching the Emerald City and be admonished about eating red meat, and not buying a treadmill for only $19.95 a month plus a modest shipping and handling fee of $451.25. Money back not so guaranteed. Limited supplies are available so call now.

The Cowardly Lion will be a victim of white supremacy. His quest will consist of wanting to find renewed courage via psychoanalysis, paid for by taxpayer subsidies through the International Monetary Fund.

Though it is yet uncertain, rumor has it that the lion will be neatly trimmed of his unruly hippy hair and instead a lavish beard. His courage will return and he will rule in the stead of the Wizard along with the Scarecrow and the Tin Man. You will obey.

Evil Mrs. Gulch will be a MAGA supporter and follow conspiracy theories like Q Anon and The Great Reset. In like manner, both Wicked Witches will be MAGA aficionados, one replete with an Orange Man Good sign on her energy inefficient castle door. The Wicked Witch of the East had to be put down for her irrational belief system.

The Good Witch of the North will be a socialist, redistributing the wealth to the Munchkins and all the people of the land.

The Emerald City will feel the financial pinch, file a lawsuit, but will eventually relent due to bad publicity and submission to rabid anarchists threatening to break windows and steal the colored horses.

The Wizard will be in charge of Covid precautions (double green masks and “socialist” distancing are mandated), and also establish travel restrictions within the Emerald City up to the poppy field.

A new breed of Acapulco Gold also grows nearby with tender loving care. The sheeple will adore the Wizard until they find out he is a Fraudchi.

And Toto? He will be a recue animal, saved from the clutches of certain doom by PETA. Together with Dorothy and the Wizard, they will leave for the secessionist state of Texas via hang gliders because Kansas has been cancelled.

Oh, be sure to drink a glass or 9 of absinthe while watching to fully enjoy the imagery and unravel the subconscious.