September 31, 2020
For my mother.
I am aware of my faults, and my interactions with everyone around me, especially during the COVD-19 pandemic. This is a general experience everyone has these days, and these events sometimes bring upon the worst in everyone. As such, I have something to admit to myself.
I'm not a good person.
People will always see me as someone who wants to do good, apologizing, and trying my best to do whatever has been done, but all these have a limit which can be explosive.
Today, some inconvenient events have pushed me towards the edge of near-suicide after managing to stay away from it from April-May 2019, and this also proved to be in vain as my mother also was pushed to leave us all alone, only to be stopped by my siblings. This event, which I personally consider a breakdown, is just one of the many I have always received and attempted to prevent every time something goes over the edge for me.
It always happens in this exact pattern:
I let out a scream of anger or disapproval, something that is always directed to the last request or response I have. It can be chores or even a bullying attempt. I lash out afterward, and there had been one or two instances that I had physically hurt someone.
I curl up and hide away from the world, prevent myself from physically moving. This part can definitely confuse anyone who can see me after doing something they never saw. The reason for this is to prevent any suicidal gestures to spark out and calm me down.
If I manage to calm myself, I will then start to cry out silently and fall asleep, to effectively erase any lingering anger so I can fully apologize for the next day. However, if I don't, and more events push it forward, I lose control and attempt suicide.
This three-part step is always part of me ever since I was little. I was always told to follow instructions and respect everything. I also call out to everyone in need to tell me why they have a bad mood, which doesn't help as I become their friends and when something goes wrong, this adds up to this "limit" that I have subconsciously created.
I want to follow and do any instruction given, but I am distracted, nay, pre-occupied to keep myself from reaching this limit. I play games and create stories to stop myself from being too angry at the world because I don't like being alone when I start feeling this way due to stress.
As I introspect, this "preoccupation to stop myself from being angry and kill myself because of it" has resulted in a very negative change in my behavior. I was once a brilliant student and I can recall details I had a long time ago. But with the busy world, so did my mindset. I was positive outward, bottling up these negative emotions. I was helpful, and I apologize to all I've wronged, but yet I'm not sure if I can continue being like this.
It has tired me out so much, that even the simple request of my youngest sister calling for help is already riling my anger and contributing to this limit instead of immediately helping.
I wasn't always like this, I swear, but ever since even more unfortunate events during my childhood had happened, it was always there now. When my psychologist gave me a prescription, my father told me not to rely on them. My mother wanted me to continue until everything has returned to "normal". Where I'm not suicidal, nor anything else. When I stopped taking it because there was no longer any medicine left for me to buy and the COVID-19 pandemic was taking effect, I was alright, but it took longer for me to get angry.
...
I'm looking at myself right now, and the five slashes over my wrist, a failure to suicide by wrist slitting using a scissor plus the "ropes" I had used to suffocate myself when I want to simply give up— a charger wire and my school ID, these things will always remind me to keep moving because I didn't succeed.
I'm not a good person, and I'm not very stable at all.
When I look back into my stuff, I always see drawings of different kinds. I have written myself my own universe, my own characters, and my own life as someone abducted to live alone and found a city. I have selected five of my own original characters as a "safeguard" to keep me grounded in this unreal escapism and sometimes I wish I had them inside my head, not as constructs of the imagination but actual personalities that can take over me.
I'm not a good person, I'm not very stable, but I want to honor my parents through the end.
In the Bible, there are three verses I had actually saved once in my physical bible before I had forgotten about it. It's Ephesians 6:1-3:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.”
Ephesians 6: 1-3 (GNT)
It's my obligation after all to honor and respect them yet I cannot simply do it with this age and moment.
I can't do it right because it's hypocritical for my parents to not do what is immediately after that:
4 Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction.
Ephesians 6:4 (GNT)
My parents have broken up, and I have relied on my mother's guidance for so long. My father had taught me to stay silent and my mother, how tired she also was, is trying so hard to take care of us by splitting the load of the family that I can't keep up.
It's something to think of, after all...
The world's very unfair, you know. I'm so tired. I want to simply finish my college degree, write my first story through gameplay, and then disappear no matter what happens.
The world is very unfair to those that cannot keep up with its vices of greed, lust, and desire for greatness. I've been ensnared by all three of it and I want to stop. I want to fully embrace what the Good Will has for me.
But I'm not a vocal person. The people around me only listen to those that speak up, and I cannot speak up about my thoughts because I was conditioned to do so. That was my parents' legacy to me. I cannot speak up because I was told not to and any activities that "doesn't help the family" are useless, therefore I am tiring out before I can fully enjoy whatever I want to do.
I can't go on. I want to apologize but then, I already had apologized and all I'm waiting for is the response when I ask for it.
I'm not a good person. In my childhood, my coping mechanism is escapism and simply staying silent.
I'm very tired. I can't keep up even with the religious activities that people impose upon me as a Filipino in the Philippines.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore.
I don't care if I get presents or not.
I want to remember everything, even if it means running into the fire to retrieve as simple as a bunch of drawings or pirating old games.
I want to learn to be better, but the world is forcing me down to follow the wheel that broke my spirit.
I can't keep up.
I'm sorry.
- Rowan
Keep it up,its a good motivation