My what if...

Many of us will ask how if I do this, that? what if I tried? what if I choose?

What happened if I done my what if's? In my life there were many times when I asked that question, but one incident really made me wonder what the answer might have been.

I just wanna share this story of mine for almost 15 years ago, and until now I don't know the answer because I never tried due to so reasonable reason. Do I have any regrets?

I am actually now married for 12 years way back 2007, while I am working in a video rental company, I met a customer, at first I was very annoyed to him because he is very antipathetic. He is probably 3-5 years older than me so I think is old, since that time I am only 21 year old, and also I thought he is a married man.

I used to feel that, that man was like other any man who would pay too much attention, but he was paying attention on purpose..

but may co worker ses that he is a good man and he is a regular customer so I need to be more kind and friendly to him, but at first I don't like him. and since that time I'm in a relationship for about two years.

One night I was waiting for jeep, and suddenly he also got in, we didn't talk and I pretend that I didn't saw him, my home is quite far from the place where I work, that night I wonder why he is going to our City since he is living to the place where I work.

I am very curious why every week end he is in our store renting some old movies and when I go home at night he also ride to the jeep where I also ride.

One time I asked him where he was going? and he said he wants to make sure that the person he knows get home safely, so he can prove that he is a good person with good intention.

well I don't want to think too much, but is that me?

until he does it for almost every week, so what he was doing made me think that may be he is a good person.

and that's when we started to talk and feel each other like friends.

Until one incident happened, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me, and its seems like he is happy for what happened to me that me and my boyfriend broke up..

That time he is always there by my side to talk and comfort me, to calm my broken heart, but as a good friend.

But he confest to me something..

He said that the moment he saw me, its like the world stopped and not days goes by he doesn't think of me. but that time he is also in a relationship for almost four years, and I think It was wrong for us to have an understanding so I avoided him.

and he respect that.

After two months of not seeing at talking to each other, our path met again, and that time he and her girl friend broke up, He think that, that time we have a chance but I don't think so, because I haven't moved on on may pass relationship.

but that time we became friends again, he tried to court on me but I didn't accept, I told him that I'm happy that we are friends again, and if he really love me he will wait for me..

days, moths and years passed, and we were far away because I worked far away, until we lose communication, and I also I lost hope that we will met again, but I can't understand and explain why he is not missing in my heart and in my mind, I know that he has a place there.

2011, I got married, and I think I should forget about him..

But 2016, a stranger message me on my messenger (message request)

"Hi! still remember me? Its me.....his name

That time my heart beating so fast.. He invited me out, and yes I went because I thought there was nothing wrong because we were friends..

We had a lot to talk about and he didn't change, he is still the same person I know years ago..

were both married.. were happy with our family..

Until he ask me some question that I really do know what is the answer..

What If we tried? are we happy now?

What if you accepted me then?

he said that " I lost hope when I heard that you got married"

I am so hopeless that time.. I really love you for a long time, and I think I don't deserve you that I cant give you the love you deserve.. I'm sorry that I don't have enough guts to tell you everything then because I respect you.

I dont have enough guts to prove that I love you and I am willing to wait..

It was like a cold water poured on to me that moment..

I dunno the answer but one thing is for sure, when he left then, I realized that I also love him, but he stopped to see me, visit me, talk to me..that's why I I thought he is tired waiting for me.