It's been seven (07) days since i have written something !
Depression does that to you, causes a temporary paralysis limiting your daily schedule to bare minimum. You are unable to do much productive work. Most of the time is wasted procrastinating. Your appetite is reduced. Sleep is increased (i have been sleeping for about sixteen (16) hours everyday). Most of the time your mind has negative thoughts like this life is waste, it is better if i die, i do not deserve better and nothing good will ever happen. You experience an uneasiness, restlessness in your mind not finding solace in anything. Only when you sleep (and sleep does not come easily) you find some momentary peace as if you are on a high and point blank in mind but when you wake up everything is the same. You are still struggling to find ground, still wondering what has happened and thinking where has my mental peace gone ? Why my mind is feeling like a hang up calculator unable to do any calculation ?
You find yourself wondering about useless things like when you visit a shop you compare two items for endless duration, if you have to order something online you experience difficulty finalizing the order (i once took five (05) hours to finalize a order) You experience self hate (a term that i have come to know only after experiencing depression) feeling unworthy of anything, comparing yourself to others and thinking how easy they have it. A simple errand is complicated for you and may take longer duration and all the while you are wondering whether i have done it correctly ?
You also lose interest in things which people crave about like sex. Depression affects your libido, your sexual desire reduces and may affect your relationship if you are in one !
If you are reading this and experiencing similar symptoms, one thing that is sure is that you are not Alone. You are one in many.
First step towards remedy is acknowledgement but it is not easy, you have to cross the sea of denial. Initially you experience mild symptoms and like any other disease you don't acknowledge them right away, you negate them on your own by continuing your regular lifestyle. It might be that others in contact with you notice these symptoms first and convey to you but it is still difficult unless it comes from someone you trust more than yourself.
Ultimately you accept and take your first step towards healing and they say "Time can heal what reason cannot" and It takes a lot of time and support from others. You might have to transfer your core responsibilities like for example i was recently listening to self interview of successful rapper Yo Yo Honey Singh who had a tryst with depression. He said he left all of his work even when he was topping the charts, turned his ears deaf to media and concentrated on feedback from family members and acknowledged that he had depression. He consulted psychiatrist and took medications. He has now returned to work and feeling better !
Although taking medication and therapy is a part but popular people have better facilities as compared to common man. People like Deepika Padukone, Virat Kohli have all experienced it but as they are celebrities they have exposure to better mental health facilities and also have the cost resources to take some time away from work.
If you are the breadwinner for your family it will be difficult for you as many families are economically hand to mouth that is if they earn something they eat. You would have observed that it is more feasible for a fat celebrity to get slim and trim because of better medical facilities exposure as compared to common man.
"Words are Foes of Reality" so what you are going through can not be described aptly in words. But there is always day after night, Light at the end of tunnel. Like i am using read.cash as an outlet to share and exchange feelings. (hope there is a exchange of views) You need to find a channel to exhale your emotions , you can use your most trust worthy support. Maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Take a balanced diet.
There are several support facilities which are just a click or call away (specific to every country) You have to admit that conversation does help. Consult a psychiatrist. take medication timely. Find a support group. Become a support; whatever be your condition even if you are suffering you can still become a support.
May you find the silver lining in the cloud !