I felt unproductive throughout this weekend and a part of me felt upset with having achieved nothing. All the untouched and unfinished school works piling on my desk were ignored. I've been sitting on the same chair and have been staring at the same laptop screen for the entire day, yet, my workload seizes to remain unbothered.
Later this night, a random thought knocked me out of my unproductive trance. Not that I instantly became motivated, but, I remembered I had notes in my old broken phone. The only thing that was broken was the screen, regardless of the damage, it was still accessible. I decided to take it out of its hiding place and access its contents.
Here are some of the notes my eighteen year old self has written, presented in a dialogue format
a. "You're bitter."
b. "What makes you say that?"
a. "Every time I compliment you, you seem to put yourself down. You don't believe in love. You don't believe in anything I say, especially when I confess my feelings for you. You just don't believe me."
b. "And that makes me bitter?"
a. "Yes."
b. "But here's the thing, you only like me because you just met me. I'm new to you. Everybody likes new things. Once you get used to me, you'll get tired of me, you'll get bored and uninterested and then you'll eventually find someone new again. Then I'll be replaced. I wouldn't call my way of thinking as "bitter." A friend even said it's a defense mechanism..."
a. "I'm gonna make you think otherwise. I'm gonna make you think differently. I'm gonna prove everything to you."
b. "Nah. A few days from now, you'll stop feeling whatever it is you're feeling. A few months from now, we won't even call each other "friends" anymore. We have our own lives. We'll go on different paths, different ways. All of this, will become a memory. If not, all of this will be forgotten, so don't bother."
This is just one of notes that I came across with and although my 21 year old self does not approve of this dialogue from three years ago, I decided to publish this here as I am rewriting it as my current self. I am applying changes the same way my perspectives and style in writing changed.
a. "You're bitter."
b. "Not that I care about what you think but do try and enlighten me. I'm giving you the honors."
a. "Compliments are meant to bring you up but every time I offer one, you make it seem like it brings you down, as if my genuine words are obscured in your own mind just so I can force myself to keep giving you compliments. You don't even believe in love. My confessions to you are nothing but a belief and in this game, you play the agnostic role ever so cleverly."
b. "Did I ask for compliments?"
a. "It's my duty to make you feel pretty and loved."
b. "Am I not already pretty? Am I not already loved?"
a. "You see this is exactly what I'm trying to say! You twist everything!"
b. "Because you're too stuck in your own head. I am already beautiful in my own way and I am already loved. I do not owe you anything and you do not owe me these necessities which I can feel and give to myself. And if you willingly and heartily meant to give compliments, would that mean I owe you my approval? My gratitude? My "love"?"
a. "No, but a thank you might do."
b. "You wanna know why I don't believe in the compliments that come spurting out of your mouth? Because I know you and all the things you say are nothing but shallow. If you say you love me, speak with depth. Do not objectify me by focusing on my appearance. You cannot impress me with your sugarcoated words. Compliments are like jewelries and fake ones turn to rust the same way you use a façade for temporary pleasure. And to teach you about a thing or two about reality, a "thank you" is earned."
a. "I'm gonna make you think otherwise. I'm gonna make you think differently. I'm gonna prove everything to you."
b. "You have already proven too much."
This article is to encourage you re-read your notes, re-watch your favorite movies, listen to songs you haven't heard of for years and look at old pictures. Internalize and ponder that version of yourself and who you are today. You'll realize how much you've changed, how much your perspective, style, taste and mentality and emotional being has grown.
