Do you ever feel like you're on the outside?
Like you are at a party, and it's fun, but it feels like you're there; but you're more of a spectator watching every single situation every single place from the outside. You don't feel like you are there. That is me every single moment.
The fact is you feel lonely.
You can argue that it's all you, you won't feel lonely even if you have no friends; if you accept yourself.
But is that the fact?
At the end of the day, you need two things.
1. A closely knit circle of friends to hang out with to feel you feel like you are part of some sort of community.
2. An intimate relationship with someone. How funny is it that moment the word "intimate" comes in, we as a society, our mindset directly shows us the image of a couple(Boyfriend & Girlfriend/Boyfriend & Boyfriend/Girlfriend & Girlfriend). But the truth is, by intimate in this reference I mean a close relationship with someone who you value the most in your life. That one person who you can trust blindly. That one person who's door you feel comfortable knocking at 3 am.
It isn't just about who is a nice person, or who is a lot like you, or even someone who is very trust worthy or somebody who is there to listen. It is about who you are willing to trust.
When you are unable to find that someone or are unable to recognise that somebody in your life for a long time, the loneliness simply starts getting deeper.
When in the past you have been in contact with people who you have trusted and these people, give up on you, and this has happened multiple times; you lose the ability to trust anybody in your life. You draw a line. Nobody crosses that.
You feel lonely, as if something is missing in your life, you run around the city meeting multiple people, but nobody is allowed across the line even if conciously you want to let them in, your subconcious mind doesnt let you.
Last week I had a feeling I may have found that person in my life. I said, it's enough, time to atleast try to open up with the truth.
And I did. But before i could, all the previous times somebody broke your trust rushes through your mind and you get an anxiety attack.
Eventually day by day I did open up, more than I have ever since the last 5 years. It felt amazing. I finally was at a party with somebody and I didnt feel like an aloof observer but somebody just enjoying the moment with that one person.
But at the end of the day you still feel aloof and lonely. What is that one thing that causes you to have the fear of losing the person.
What is that thing that stops you from allowing yourself to be a 21 year old having innocent crushes or care free parties or just live in the moment.
