The Nameless God (Part 3)

I explained to him the scenario of what happened the day before. We got into a heated discussion whether if I was attacked by a real person or not.

“Tell me the truth Dan! Are you attacked by a real person or not?” He asked and he didn’t seem to be himself. He was more agitated than usual.

“I told you already! Mister Stephenson, the one eyed suit came after me!” I explained.

“He has a name!?” there was clear shock on his face. I kept quiet for a while. I had only then realized how stupid and insane it was to name my would-be hallucinations.

“What else am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“As I said, as of the moment, you have to ignore him.” He replied. I placed my hands together and leaned towards him, resting my chin on my hands.

“He attacked me. I never thought he would.” I said, my voice turned into whisper. “Look, if it’s because of my insomnia, why don’t you just give me sleeping pills?”

“Because I just can’t assume that. There’s always an underlying diagnosis that we have to clear up. I just can’t give you pills because you might grow dependent to it.” He explained.

“But what happens if he comes back?” I asked. I felt my neck shudder from the idea of it. Huge single eye. Tall and elongated arms. The very thought disturbs me and sends a chill down my spine.

“Ignore him.” Kristoff responded.

“He attacked me!”

“He’s not real!”

I closed my eyes. I was getting desperate, for sleep, for sanity, for a chance to breathe. I was only able to sleep an hour the entire night. All I could think of was his eye. I can’t stop thinking. I was losing my mind.

“Companions might help. Do you have any relatives or friend that you could stay with?” He asked.

“My parents are miles away and I don’t want to drag them into this.” I said. “And you know how it is with me.” I added.

“You’re not secluded you know. You just have to let people in.”

And he’s right. I have certainly made friends before. I was even in a relationship before. But I can’t help but push people away.

“Okay.” I said, helplessly.

“Look, you have to try and remember when did this all start to happen.”

“I already told you, a couple of months ago. I can’t tell when. It just started to happen.”

Kristoff gave a sigh.

“Alright, I’m not going to force you. But you’re going to have to try and recall. I’ll keep asking you that every session we have.”

I kept quiet for a while.

“Okay.” I said and as I was about to leave, he threw a container of pills towards me. I managed to catch it.

“Use that. It’s a lower dosage. It should help for a while.” He said. Sleeping pills. He did really care.

Kristoffer is a caring man and I could tell confidently that he’s the only friend I have. You know that your life sucks when you have to pay someone to be your friend or at least act like one.

It’s a distorting thought that I don’t like the position where I am right now. It’s not because I have a job that I don’t like. I made peace with that years ago. It’s just everything around me doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m in a dream or in a nightmare. In a recurring nightmare. It reminded me a bit of my childhood. But my childhood is a big blur to me, thinking about it makes my head hurt.

Kristoffer and I discussed the possibility of repressed emotions. Anger and sadness, they do exist within me and I feel that I do detach myself way too much, but I just never had a need to have friends. I am particularly mad at the world. Growing up with dreams and in the end, all gets shattered with a fucking hammer. I never wanted to be in this place. All I have is security and money, but someone to share it with? No one. A purpose? I’m lost. I really don’t have anything. I gambled everything away for the sake of a secure future and now I’m losing myself and my mind.

I decided to be an accountant because becoming a writer would only make me starve. But now I start to think that starving is better than where I am right now.

I took the day off and swallowed a pill. I fell asleep instantly and it was pure hell.