To be a good listener, people need to feel as though they are being listened to. And this is something you can't fake. The more sensitive the person is, the greater the likelihood that they will know if you are being genuine with them or not. Conversely, if they are equivalent of a D flat on the evolutionary scale, then they may be happily oblivious to any wrong doings. But then ask yourself, are you really likely to find yourself engaged in such conversation anyway? Probably not.
Steven Covey describe it "To communicate effective with me, you must first understand me." This is precisely what people want when they communicate with others: they want to be understood. However, there's more to it than this: people also want to feel empowered, and good listening is the key to this. Regrettably there are more bad listeners than good, and although this will often vary depending on whom you are listening to and the topic of conversation, I believe it's fair to say that we could all benefit from improving our listening skills more.
The first thing to do is listen to what you say and then think about how it sounds from the listener's perspective. This is an incredibly important skill to master, but a very challenging one as it's a lot of information to process at one time. You not only have to focus on what the other person's saying, but you also have to listen to your own words and process how they might be interpreted by the other side.
The second method to improve your listening skill is to focus on trying to understand how the speaker feels when they are speaking. This is called empathic listening, and it gives the listener huge clues as to why the person is saying what they are saying. It helps the listener understand the emotions involved for the speaker, which could go a long way to explain their choice of words and intonation.
The third improvement vehicle builds on the second by getting the listener to monitor whether they are wishing to interrupt or reply before the speaker has finished what they were saying. Is the focus of the listening to reply or is to fully explore what the speaker has to say. It should be the latter. So, bite back the craving to interrupt and instead consider more what the speaker is trying to articulate. Don't worry about forgetting what you were planning to say: if it was important you'll remember again. And if you do forget, then it is most likely that it was a reaction rather than a positive addition to the topic.
Don't:
Show impatience
Stop listening
Get easily distracted
Interrupt
Shift subject if bored
Interpret
Advise
Evaluate
The 'Yes, But..' challenge
Perhaps the most identifiable pointer that people are not listening to you is that they begin their sentences with 'Yes, but..' What this is really saying is that they are focussing more on what they intend to say next rather than listening to you. It is, however, perfectly acceptable to begin a sentence with "Yes something, bla bla bla, but.." which would suggest that they are repeating or reframing a piece of your information to ensure they understood you right before they contradict or offer an alternative. It's when the two words 'Yes, but..' come together that lets you know they are not really listening to you. Less serious, but still an indicator of a person not paying full attention to you is beginning a sentence with the word 'But' on its own (without the 'Yes' attached to it.
'Yes, but..' at the beginning of any sentence is very destructive, it's the same as saying "I'm not really listening to you because my thoughts and ideas are more important than yours." And what happens is that the subconscious of the other person picks up on little nuances like this and translates and relays them to the conscious mind in the form of frustration or even anger.
Actually, if you listen to conversations it soon becomes apparent how little people really listen to each other. You will quickly notice that the communications used in these interactions is really ineffective for the purpose of understanding; there is little meaningful interaction. It's as if one army advances to attack while the other holds their ground, and then at some undefined moment the sides change and the other side attacks while the first tries to hold their ground. And all of this is due largely because of two little words 'Yes, but..'
Getting rid of the bad habit
Many people are unaware of the many times they begin sentences with 'Yes, but', or 'But..', so the first step to getting rid of this habit is to notice it. Therefore sensitise yourself to the words and see the number of times you say them at the beginning of your sentences. At first it may seem that you don't say many at all, but this will probably be because you're missing most of them. As your detection of the problem grows, you'll be able to catch yourself saying more of them; and once you do that, you'll be in a better position to stop the words before you actually say them so you can use alternative words and phrases instead.
Furthermore, it's a great way to see how much you really listen to other people. Quite simply, the more you develop your listening skills, the better position you'll be in to counter or support their argument, or offer an alternative solution if there's a problem to solve. And these solutions are more likely to be accepted because the subconscious of the person you're talking with will recognize that you're actively taking an interest in them and their ideas.
Solution - What you can say instead
Thre are many possibilities here, but one of the best is to try and use the words 'Yes' at the beginning, not necessarily that you agree with them, but to say you've understood what the other person's saying as in "Yes, I see what you mean, but.." There is nearly always a way around using 'Yes, but..' and 'But', and probably the best manner is to rephrase the message more positively. Using the phrase 'Yes, AND..' For example if you are accused of saying or doing something, which you didn't, or misinterpret something you've said, and you need to restate what you really mean, you can use 'Yes, AND..' For instance:
Instead of "Yes, but it wasn't my fault."
Rephrase it: "Yes, and I think I know where the problem lies."
Instead of: "Yes, but what I meant was.."
Rephrase it: "Yes, and what I mean by this is.."
Instead of: "But that's easier said than done."
Rephrase it: "Yes, and also easier said than done."
Words are powerful. If words are chosen well, the messages you say are more likely to be listened to with a greater chance of acceptance. Words are therefore the vehicle to carry the message, and the choice of appropriate vehicle is based on the situation. It would be unwise to take a patient to the hospital on a tractor. It could be done, but the ride would likely be very, very uncomfortable, and with the risk of further injury to the patient. Similarly, if you were chauffeuring a VIP it would be wise to use a limousine rather than a family hatchback. It could be done, of course, but then it would likely leave a very negative impression on the person travelling. In the same way, transporting everyday people by such an expensive and luxurious car may leave them suspicious and overly wary of the other person's intentions. Therefore communication is best when the right vehicle is used for the right people. In the other words, the right words for the right situation.