Don’t just cope with life’s difficulties, use them to become stronger.
Mountain climbers are resilient. Not only physically resilient, but emotionally resilient. Sir Edmund Hillary, one of the first men to reach the summit of Mt Everest said,
“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”
For all of us, life is full of challenges we need to conquer. We can’t control what challenges we face in life, but we can control how we respond.
What is resilience?
Psychologists define emotional resilience as our ability to cope with adversity in a healthy and constructive way. Emotional resilience isn’t a particular outcome, it’s the attitudes and behaviors which help us deal with challenging circumstances. Resilience can help us stay mentally strong during the challenges, as well as empower us to grow emotionally and improve our lives in the process.
Resilience doesn’t mean we don’t undergo the troubling circumstances; or that we feel happy all the time; or things turn out how we would choose. It means we lean into the difficulties. When we climb a mountain, we don’t expect it to be easy as it’s happening. But we also know that by going through the challenge we will emerge stronger because of the experience.
The concept of resilience is significant in psychology because it marked a change of focus. Instead of focusing on the factors which made people vulnerable to mental illness, resilience research focuses on the protective factors. Protective factors are the elements which produce positive outcomes despite the challenges and risk factors in life circumstances.
In the 1970’s researchers were investigating children at risk of mental illness because of circumstances like poverty and family violence. They noticed many of the children had good outcomes despite being in high-risk circumstances. A landmark study, called Project Competence, was undertaken by the clinical psychologist Dr Norman Garmezy. The study focused on identifying the elements which produced positive outcomes in children of schizophrenic parents.
These positive outcomes show emotional resilience. Professor Anne Masten said, “Post-traumatic growth refers to this phenomenon where some people actually appear to improve in functioning. There’s something about engaging in responding to adversity that seems to mobilize some individuals, and they come away feeling stronger or with a deeper awareness of the value of life, or just able to function better and handle things better.”
Resilience research has discovered a range of protective factors which are correlated with good outcomes. It doesn’t place any of these factors as more important than others because this depends on many interrelating environmental factors as well as the individual.
While certain factors might make some people naturally more resilient than others, resilience isn’t a personality trait that only some people have. Emotional resilience is a skill all of us can learn and practice. Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time and effort.
The American Psychologists Association focuses on 4 core elements to build resilience — connections, wellness, healthy thoughts and purpose.
Connections.
Work on cultivating strong relationships. Associate with people who care about you and are supportive. When things are difficult or we feel down, there can be a tendency to isolate ourselves. It’s important to keep contact with other people. It reminds us we aren’t alone.
It can also be helpful to join a group. Find a group that is supportive and can bring you joy or a sense of purpose.
Wellness.
Physical wellness. Look after your health. Eat well, exercise, get enough rest.
Practice mindfulness. Engage in things like meditation, yoga, prayer or other spiritual practices. Have a gratitude journal to keep yourself in a positive frame of mind.
Avoid negative outlets like drugs. Don’t try and mask the feelings, give yourself resources to cope with them.
Healthy thoughts.
How you think plays a vital role in how you feel.
Keep things in perspective. See obstacles as challenges, things that help us grow. We know a steep mountain climb will make us stronger physically, the same is true of overcoming life’s difficulties.
Have a balanced and realistic view of your circumstances. Don’t think bad circumstances mean things will always be this way. Don’t see things as worse than they are.
Acknowledge things are difficult and you may not manage as well as you’d like. Accept that you will feel anxious and depressed. Then find what resources you have which can help you deal with the circumstances you’re facing.
Accept change. Life circumstances may dictate that certain goals you have aren’t achievable. Accept what you can’t change and focus on what you can control.
Maintain a hopeful outlook. See challenges as temporary instead of permanent. See your mistakes as behavioral choices not immutable personality traits.
Remember that your focus of control is internal. You may not be able to change the external circumstances, but you can control how you react to them. The world will go its own way, but you can meet it and react to it on your own terms.
Purpose.
Helping others will foster a sense of purpose and self-worth.
Be proactive, try and solve your problems. Focus on what resources you do have, what you can do. You aren’t helpless.
Move toward your goals. Adopt realistic goals and take small steps to reach them.
Look for opportunities for self-discovery.
Everyone knows that climbing a mountain won’t be fun as we are climbing it, but we choose to climb it because we also know the challenge will make us stronger and help us grow. We know this about developing physical strength and expect it to be difficult. But when it comes to emotional challenges, we treat them differently. Most of us try and avoid difficult circumstances or unpleasant emotions thinking there is nothing positive for us to find in the experience.
But life challenges and negative emotions can have positive outcomes. Studies show that people who go through very difficult life experiences can emerge from them with a stronger sense of psychological resilience, rekindled relationships and a renewed appreciation of life. Some describe starting to live more fully and purposefully.
The mountaineer Martin Conway said,
“A man does not climb a mountain without bringing some of it away with him and leaving something of himself upon it.”