Hey everybody. Happy Sunday. When we talk about attachment, I find that we automatically think about someone being overly attached. Maybe it's because the word itself, attachment, Means to feel affection, fondness, or sympathy for someone or something.
And sure, there are four attachment styles, Based on John Bowlby's theory of attachment. Mary Ainsworth's research. And Main and Solomon's studies.
Now these four types are, Secure, Insecure avoidant, Insecure Ambivalant, And Disorganized.
But we seem to focus on the overly attached components of these styles. And forget all about those of us who are insecure, avoidant, disorganized, or even ambivilant. If we fall into those styles of attachment, It means that we never felt that we could count on our caregiver.
Like our mom, dad, or whomever is taking care of us.
Or, maybe our caregiver sent us mixed messages about whether we could trust them or not. Therefore, when we are in distress, we don't look to outside support. Instead we can withdraw, and isolate ourselves.
Many of my friends who have these styles of attachment, Will state that they can only count on themselves. Believing that others will just end up letting them down.
Or they are too afraid of being hurt, And that it's better to not count on anyone else. Now obviously, that can cause issues for us in our relationships. Because, if we are being honest, we may not even have many of them.
If we have been isolating for years and years, And pushing everyone away. We may not have any close relationships. Which we all know can make any mental health issues we are having, so much worse.
We can push everyone who wants to get close to us away, And act as if we prefer to only have casual friends and light conversations.
Or if we are in a more disorganised category, We can go from wanting people around, to wanting to be left alone, In a matter of seconds.
The thing that I have noticed throughout my time online, and in my practice, Is that even if we are the type to push people away, Or act like we don't want them there, We actually do. We all need human connection. And can struggle with dark thoughts when we are alone all the time.
Now, obviously this doesn't account for those of us who truly enjoy being alone, And don't like to be around anyone. Like those of us with Schizoid Personality Disorder, Although, just to be honest, The percentages of people with Schizoid, is really really low. It's one of the least common mental illnesses.
But I think if we are all being honest with ourselves, If we did have people who were kind and supportive around us, We would want them there, fairly often.
But many of us haven't had people like that in our lives. And therefore, feel like we can't trust anyone. And I think we can all agree that that makes sense.
Because, if everyone in our lives, Starting with our parents or caregivers has been total shit and treated us badly, Why would we want to be around people? We wouldn't. We don't have any evidence to support the belief, That having friends and family is a positive thing.
And that is really what we have to work on. We have to work on changing our thoughts and faulty beliefs that everyone is bad, And we can't trust them to be there for us.
And I don't want you to think that you're wrong, And how you've been acting for most of your life is bad, or anything like that. I want you to know that it's normal, valid. And in many ways, has helped protect you from more pain and suffering.
But, as we get older, move away from our terrible parents or caregivers, And begin our own life. Those old coping skills or protectors aren't needed in the same way. Or they could possibly be ruining our current relationships.
And that is why I believe, That we will need to challenge those automatic thoughts that people can't be trusted. And figure out a new way to judge whether we should let someone in or not.
Does that make sense?
Because some people don't deserve to be trusted. But a lot of others do. And since we didn't get to learn that in a healthy way growing up, We're going to have to do that now. But don't worry, There are ways to get this started.
And the first, You probably know this was coming, To be a detective. You know how much I love being a detective. But when it comes to healing from our attachment issues, We can't just trust our automatic thoughts or urges to push people away.
We have to look for evidence that we can't trust them. Have they told us that they would show up and they didn't? Have they been inconsistent with their communication?
If you don't have any facts to back up your thoughts about it, Then I think it's safe to keep getting to know them. And remember, It's not black and white.
You don't push people away or let them all in. You slowly spend time. Have good conversations. And get to know one another. And slowly but surely build trust and intimacy.
As if you were telling it to someone who wanted to know what happened. You go into as much detail as you can. And yes, it's very difficult. We have stuffed these memories away for a reason.
But it can help us make sense of all the jumbled flashes of memories, Bits of conversations or upsets. And help you finally process through it. Trauma narratives work well because, It weaves together many therapy styles and techniques. Like exposure therapy, And, Narrative therapy, etc.
I know many of you think I forgot to address the other side of this attachment issue, But I didn't,I remembered. Because I know that for many of us, we do have relationships.
They just aren't always good or healthy. Which rolls into the other way this attachment issue can show itself. And that is by us recreating these hurtful and neglectful relationships from our past.
Meaning we will date or become friends with someone, Who is very similar to our neglectful or abusive caregiver. And they will treat us terribly. We can even find ourselves acting more childlike, Or feeling like we can't leave that relationship.
And unfortunately, it's really common. And the reason we do this is because our early relationships, You know, the ones we have with our parents or close family members, They are like a blueprint for what a relationship looks and feels like for us.
And for this reason, We can go out into our life and look for people similar, To our potentially abusive parents. I know, it's terrible. But, in a way, we are comfortable with what we know.
And those uncertain or even hurtful connections can be so normal to us, That we can't imagine being in a relationship that doesn't feel like that.
And some of my friends have told me that people who are kind and thoughtful, Are boring. Or not their type. And while I understand where they are coming from, I know that we are all capable of changing our types.
Especially when that type is linked to past trauma or upset. And the same treatment options as I just discussed will help with these issues as well. If we heal the trauma, The urge to connect with people just like our upsetting caregivers, Will slowly subside.
And in the meantime, You can check your facts, To see if someone is actually worth being in a relationship with. Do they remind you of your mom or dad? Does something about them seem super comfortable or familiar?
While we work on processing what we went through, It can be safer to feel a little bit uncomfortable or unfamiliar in our relationships. That feeling does go away.
But at the beginning we are trying to get out of those, Old and familiar ruts or patterns of unhealthy relationships. And doing that can be uncomfortable.
I hope you found it helpful And I hope you have a wonderful day. Thank You for reading
