Some of the reason why we aren't collectively so good at friendship is that we don't have a clear idea of what a really good friend might be like it may therefore be worth trying to draw up a list of an ideal candidate so stuff focus our desires and spur us on to acquire the sort of character we would want to find in others
1. The ideal friend knows how to show weakness
The ideal friend doesn't try to prove how robust and successful they are. On the contrary, quite often they let us know awkward and potentially embarrassing things about themselves they show how much they trust us by confessing failings and sorrows which would open them up to possible humiliation from the world beyond. They offer us the gift of their vulnerability.
2. They're genuinely interested in our sorrows and difficulties
Yet they're not shocked or even surprised by the weird and stupid things we've done. They're not judgmental. They don't come down harshly and critically on our weaknesses because they know themselves well enough to be alert to their own order and more troubled sides and they do us the graceful favor of assuming that behind the seams we are as radically imperfect as they are
3. The proper friend is reassuring
They don't just flatter, they understand how easily we lose perspective, panic and underestimate our own ability to cope they know we've got zones of fragility that need to be treated very gently sometimes they get us so laugh at ourselves when on our own we'd be inclined to self-pity or rage
4. A true friend helps build our self understanding
There are so many things we don't entirely comprehend about who we are. We get agitated or defensive and we don't really know why. We find it tricky to pin down our goals. We might have some strong opinions but it can be difficult to explain really why these ideas matter to us. The right friend listens and helps us piece together the best account of our fears and excitements
5. They help us think more often than it's comfortable
Admittedly, we don't quite know what we think until a proper friend gently asks us to expand on a thought, to explain why we're impressed by it and to find good answers to possible objections. They see the potential in what we're saying. When we can't sickly, they help us to like ourselves. The good friend likes us in ways we're not easily able to like ourselves. Normally we're intently alive to our own shortcomings, it's more obvious from our point of view what's disappointing or frustrating about us than what's endearing or attractive. We need a friend because we're liable to be so very unfriendly towards ourselves.
